For many years, I was in darkness and chaos (hell). I made that choice to stay there since I knew of no other way. It took many years of struggles and fighting the people that were sent to help me find my way.
My adult years, the hardest part was dealing with my past religious trauma and the abandonment of my family and some friends when I while struggling with life.
Growing up in the church, I was also taught that prayer was the answer to receive God's help. I prayed a lot for God's help to change me so I would be good enough in his eyes (as I was taught) and to keep me safe from family member who was abusive to me. This did not happen, so I felt God had abandoned me too.
I was not finding any help, just judgment and harsh words. Religious leaders, family and friends told me I was going to hell if I continued to live the lifestyle I had chosen, and for the abuse, I was asking for it or it was not really happening (depended on who I was seeking help).
In reality, I was fighting everything I could to NOT be who I was created to be. It still was not good enough according to the religious beliefs I was taught. I did not know of any other beliefs and I gave up trying to be a Christian. I would never live up to the religious standards so why try. I thought I was damaged and broken. I even tried to leave this life at one point due to the shame. (The Creator had other plans for me.)
I would never live up to the religious standards so why try. I thought I was damaged and broken. I even tried to leave this life at one point due to the shame. (The Creator had other plans for me.)
I had a lot of anger over the years which I used in approaching people and all situations. My wounds were deep and open!
My religious experience consisted of stress, anxiety, isolation, emotional abuse, loss of autonomy and so much more due to fear-based teachings, degrading, abusive, blame and overall damaging behavior which lasted throughout most of my life. I was told over and over that I was a sinner. I was to repent and change who I was. God would never accept me as is (which this is how I was created so how was I to change who I was made to be?). I was constantly discouraged from asking questions or to share my doubts and confusion of the teachings.
Free-will was never encouraged in the belief system I was raised (especially for women). I actually went through classes for teenage girls to prepare for marriage and how to be the perfect Christian wife (identified what our role was to be and how we were to stay within that role). I questioned many things we were being taught and was consistently sent to the preacher's office for "counseling."
Finally, the preacher who was frustrated meeting with me over and over, told me to stop questioning authority and the devil was making me question everything I was being taught.
Once I went away to college my parents pushed a local church to come to my dorm and "take" me to church each Sunday. I refused and my parents were not happy with my actions. They reached out to me and made it clear of their disappointment. I stayed away from the church and anyone who tried to push their beliefs on me.
I struggled and stayed in a number of abusive relationships (which I felt I deserved). I was broken. I did not deserve anyone treating me with love.
Finally, later in life in my 40s, I could not take it any more and decided to be alone and figure out myself. I would 'never' live with anyone again! I worked and struggled to find myself. I focused mostly on my job and worked many hours to avoid facing my trauma. I became an workaholic and, of course, alcohol was a part of my life too. I had to numb the pain from the hurt / my wounds that were still open.
The Universe had different plans for me of course. People were sent my way to help me on my path. My Tribe was forming. I finally started to open (still cautious and wounds wide open) to some people that crossed my path. I started to listen and slowly removed brick by brick down from my walls (over a number of years).
These people lead me to my current spiritual mentor. Yes, I even struggled with her and pushed back many times on her guidance. Finally, in 2019 I had my enlightenment one night while reading (I read many spiritual help books). All the pain, hurt, anger moved up out out of my body and released! I could not ever remember feeling this way... so at peace. No anger/hurt. I even thought about my abusers...nothing. I cried I was so overjoyed at this feeling. I was not numb, no hurt, just joy and peace. So hard to put into words what happened within me regarding this release. It was an experience I can never explain in words.
Now, even though I was no longer feeling the hurt/pain, I still had some push back on spirituality left in me when I worked with my spiritual mentor. She showed me how to reconnect on a spiritual level. I am very grateful for the Universe sending her my way and even to this day guiding me on my path. She opened my eyes to my purpose and I do hear her voice when the Universe tells me to "MOVE" forward.
I have an understanding now of religious trauma and the damage it can do. I also know there is light on the other side once you work through the trauma. Once I was able to rewire my thought process and understand the triggers, I found peace. My wife and I give back to nature in our backyard to bees, birds, butterflies, dragonflies, etc. We love to walk around in our backyard and appreciate what nature gives to us and the beauty we see. We enjoying going to the beach listening to the ocean. It is a great experience to connect on a spiritual level.
I am able to listen to others speak of their experience with religious trauma and not trigger. I have and currently enrolled in Seminary school taking courses and research ranging from different religious belief systems, spiritual healing, etc. Along with separate courses on religious trauma and the effects on brain health.
The peace and happiness here in this life is due to connecting on a spiritual level like never before. Life moves forward after enlightenment and as I continue learning each day, I am here to share and help guide others to connect on a spiritual level.
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A spiritual endeavor is an undertaking to achieve some type of spiritual understanding or goal. These endeavors are often seen in various religions and spiritual belief systems.
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