Spiritual Endeavor

I think I repeat patterns for many reasons.

1. Habit of not working hard, like easy roads with clear outcomes.
2. Nearly masochistic enjoyment when my heart does the same things over and over again to hurt myself.
3. Archetypes that are innumerable and help me be the clown, wounded child and lonely hearts club member to name but a few of repeat learning themes.

Other fun stuff on my mind this week is that I have way too many interests, shiny things that catch my attention or desire. Choosing a path or a select few that hold my passion and love and will give me a stability in all areas of life is a super challenge for me. Good to be creative and interested bad if I am stuck in a corner worrying what to paint, to love, to write and to act in a directive manner.

This week-end I was spending time with two good friends, I was inspired Saturday night and wrote numerous poems at their house and wrote many more Sunday and Monday. So I was productive and had fun. Go Figure?

Realizing all or nothing thinking is always dangerous but knowing I need focus in desired dreams in order to reach them. Be it love, work, connection to the whole of life and health of mind, body, and spirit.

As a little girl I didn’t worry so much about choice of career or purpose. I had a talk show. I would dance, do gymnastics on my bed, I would interview imaginary people with my tape player, I would sing, I ran around wanting to be everything, loved being goofy and imaginative. My mom suggested I be a hair dresser or teacher. Yuck I always scoffed. I just wanted people to laugh or enjoy what show I was doing. I was giving many a performance to an imaginary audience or my Mom, Nana, or Brother. Man I wish I could recapture what that little girl had.

Realizing now at 31 years I have a whole lot of life left to make my dreams happen even when I feel so hopeless and feel I haven’t fully given any of my true dreams a shot. Feeling as if I couldn’t do whatever it is my heart wants me to sing. I desire many things before I die in this lifetime. Many just having to do with loving the people I ensconce myself with and those I would love to touch in the future with my own unique spirit.

I am very close to my silly happy-go-lucky side as well as my self loathing pain filled side. I know its ok to love both but my love of my pain or consistent internal suffering, isn’t productive for a loving, generous, compassionate and meaningful life. Does make for great art of any substance though!

I look to my friends, family, and spirit to guide me so I can share my love with others as well as with myself.

Suggestions?

Love and Hugs,

Jen