Spiritual Endeavor

Most of us have the instinct of fight or flight. We come with a built in system if things aren’t feeling too good we want to run away in case some tiger will eat us. When it comes to human relationships this instinct comes out when we are in super state of joy, insecurity, anger, wounding, or a knowing that it’s time to get out of a situation for true happiness isn’t there. Within this delicate place where emotions can run a muck and without protective gear we may be hit by flying emotional goo. there is a place where true intimacy and vulnerability can thrive. This place of opening up to others at risk of being hurt is a necessary evil in order to cross over to the land of true emotional intimacy.

Intimacy takes time because trust, communication, understanding as well as the chemistry needs to build points of safety but sometimes after years if you don’t have it you may never have it. I know this from old relationships where I would give years over to someone; mind, body, and soul and it never becomes reciprocal. I could say I wasted time but we had fun, some laughs and I had many tears but most importantly I learned though those experiences what I need in a loving relationship.

What happens if the other party isn’t ready, willing, or able to cross the bridge with you into the rewarding but scary place of connection. Choices are endless leave, stay, be in limbo forever but in truth, even if scary, our need to fill our emotional coffer is a package deal with romantic love. Even with true friendship there needs to be a place where exchange of truthful emotional expression is needed for a real relationship to flourish.

We all know someone, or ourselves whom may or may not admit they are looking, waiting, and keeping busy until true love comes in. We all disguise this want because in 21st century it is noble to be independent and not want others in our lives to enhance breathing on Earth. There are some that may be perfectly content to be emotionally alone. There is nothing wrong with people who don’t want that aspect of living, however, I am not one of them. Like a newborn I am in constant need of emotional availability from myself and others. Connection is what feeds me and without even a smidgen of it I would surely die. I am not trying to be dramatic but I at 31 years old, I know what I need and want.

Self preservation has it’s purpose in order to keep ourselves fed and have shelter but our wall that protects our hearts must come down in order to grow and really feel connection to the people whom we want in our little worlds. We honor those we love by letting them into how we think, feel, dream and who we are warts and all. It is a gift to give them our experience in the way we as individuals see the world. Views can be the same or very different but it can only be true intimacy if we are authentic and truthful even in spite of our fears.

I am hopeful that I will have what I desire in intimate relations. I have but a tiny group of people where my wall crashes completely down and they see all the scars, imperfections, and love I have to give. I am hopeful to have that in my romantic life someday as well.

Here is to keeping my heart open for true intimacy with all my relations and not to be fearful of not being loved, being authentic, and most of all being myself.

Love and Hugs,
Jen