Spiritual Endeavor

Well my crazy life is wonderful. I feel that I don’t always fit in, I am a bit off kilter and silly but am I friends with everybody, go figure. My roomie Jeanette*, Kirsten and I went to a goth/electronic/80’s/industrial club this past week-end. As always no matter where I go I have a great time but I had an especially super time this go round. I have been to Q’s numerous times but this time I really saw what utopia is like in black vinyl. There were many varieties of people, college kids, goths, cyber punks, the angry, the emo, the jaded, the happy, gay, trans-gendered and a small handful of NJ’s finest guidos. It occurred to me that even though the guidos were probably the most made fun of, they still were not harassed or thrown out because they were different. My idealism and heart filled with such joy due to this epiphany. I really would love the whole world to be like that dance floor.

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The word of the day: Expectations. Let’s scream as if we are on Pee Wee’s Playhouse! Expectations can make a good woman go bad. I will put myself to shame if it helps others or makes people laugh then I feel I have done my job. The highs and the lows of my life have all been subject to my personal expectations. At 13, I expected to marry Joey MacIntyre from NKOTB. It’s obvious that my high expectations were illusionary but it was still a blow to my heart. High expectations of friends, family or relationships have gotten me into trouble as well. Through my fault as well as other parties involved. Moral, Ethical or just plain wishing someone would treat me the way I treat them has given me much disappointment directly proportionate to the height of my expectations. This is prefaced by me not always expressing my needs/vice versa or the other party not able to honor my needs. I think many of us feel so close with people that we expect them to read our minds or be like us in thought and deed. Even if we all wish we didn’t have to ask for what we need or desire we still do in order to “communicate.” God awful isn’t it! LOL When communication works, much teamwork can be had and success comes more smoothly. Working on the same page or aiming for the same stars or future, your connection feels complete and love grows stronger as a result. Alas, we must cross the threshold of asking and being vulnerable.

My expectations for myself have been set too high and too low at times. It can be hard to find roll models for keeping a healthy balance of going after dreams or everyday tasks without wanting to kill yourself if you make a mistake or don’t accomplish in the area of desire. After my Mom died I was trying to do, do, do and task my grief away so I could get through the day. I figured because she had a stroke I would do a marathon in her honor. Mind you I had not exercised for a millennium back then. I went on ward hoe as it is in my Aires nature to act first, ask questions later. I started run/walking and did long runs on weekends. I was doing really good and got as high as 13 miles on Saturdays. My own personal financial issues with getting to the marathon as well as my own follow through slowed me, I lost momentum and bailed. Reaching for stars was great but my own inner cheerleader and those who were around was not enough for me to continue on my merry way. My expectations during a rough time were not really healthy at that point. My goal although meaningful kept me from processing one of the most painful times in my life, losing my Mommy!

I think we all confuse the idea of expectation in our heads. Somewhere in the brain we really are trying to make demands on ourself and others. I think its important to have standards even high ones but there is a certain level of communication one has to have with themselves or others. This chat is to really see if the expectation is what is best for us at that time, truly desired, or is based on “other peoples” wants for lives. Letting go of the idea IT MUST or I HAVE TO is key, as it lessens disappointment. If timely, there is an opportunity for discussion and a channel to intimacy with your Higher Self and the people in your world.

Thanks for being here for this wonderful and strange ride. I would really love to hear your thoughts on any of my blog subjects or any interesting stories in your world. Come on don’t be shy, we are all friends here!

Love and Hugs,

Jen

*Fabulous Queen Isis Kali known in the scene and lingerie Store goddess of RedCherryCheesecake.com fame!