Spiritual Endeavor

Disappointment has been one of my soul lessons and personal challenges. In the past, disappointment and feelings that I chose to feel from such experiences lead to massive pain, stalemate and a massive case of victim mentality. Growing up I was a hippy child in a sense; no rules, no challenges to be a good student and not so much as a go brush your teeth before bed. My Mom taught me about the greats, Joe Jackson, Issac Asimov and various spiritualities. Discipline and stick to-it-ness wasn’t in her teaching tool kit. I was not babied but I was hugged a lot. Not sure if my brother would agree on the non babied assessment. I never had my hand held including times when I wish there had been many hands of support, encouragement and kicking my butt. Choir concerts and sexual harassment at school are two examples. So disappointment was a early theme that made my rose colored glasses a bit muddy in coloring.

We all know everyone suffers setbacks, walls that seem to hold you back and even just feathers that seem like walls. When reaching that feather wall you can be so frustrated you don’t realize how easy it is to move the feather to reach your potential. My pattern was to run away from disappointment. Man I was like the roadrunner when it comes to running away but eventually the feeling of lack of worthiness would creep in and boy did it tackle me. Whining to my Mom or anyone who would listen and even that grew tiring. Sometimes disappointment would cripple me so bad that I really couldn’t see the way to change the situation. Life tends to move forward and I would ask, where is the next hurdle?

I know that the lessons weren’t really about not getting the guy, the job, or the fact I wished life was different; it was me wanting me to be different. I thank disappointment, as it taught me not to give up on myself. That took oh many many years people! I am sure I will be attacked by the Disappointment Bear now and again. Although I will hug him now as he isn’t as scary as he once was. LOL Avoiding disappointment is like avoiding your face. Eventually you have to look at it to be ok with it. I also think disappointment is a great marker for what you care about. How would you know if you always got everything you ever wanted easily? To me that would be like a place without growth. I know the experience also teaches me whether or not I want something bad enough. In the past I didn’t have my inner cheerleader standing by to say You can do it! Or Why not try you’ll be no worse for ware. Self assurance is a quality everyone needs to learn. I still like a friend/family cheerleader now an again but now know I will go for my goals, aspirations, and the guy even if I fall on my face a few times. Thank goodness for plastic surgery. (Kidding!)

Personal expectations tend to high when you have a disappointing feeling in your midst. Expectations will be another future post.

I hope there is a sense of ease now when you are hit with setbacks and roadblocks. As always life loves to see how we fare under conditions of variety. I would love to hear your stories and how you have overcome or been shaken but not stirred. Any perspective on riding the waves of life would excellent, as I think we can all learn from one another.

Love and Hugs,
Jen

Well, well, little miss I hate doing anything that expends energy. Speaking to myself of course. I used to be so efficient (umm lazy), so much so that when I went to take in the laundry from the laundromat I would nearly kill myself my carrying two 30 lbs bags up the stairs just so I wouldn’t have to go up and down again. Awake again from a life coma, I know that hard work is in order to claim what I want in life. If I want to manifest things in my life like being 112 lbs, writing an e-book for ending depression, making more than enough money than I will ever need and finding a fabulous guy to date and eventually marry, I have to do the leg work. Manifesting takes many angles. One, is the affirmative thought one has the goal attained with belief. Another the feeling(s) you have as if the goal is achieved and doing the leg work by changing thinking and behavior to meet the universe more than halfway to reach said goal. Finally the trickiest part, the ability to let go of control, give up the result (No feeling like you will die if you don’t accomplish or attain) and be patient.

All those things I have been able to do rather unconsciously and others times really push through and sometimes give up when the going got to “hard”. Now my mind set is clearer and stopping on my journey is not an option. Knowing what I want helps a great deal, still fuzzy on some stuff but over all have a better idea now more than ever. My mind and body fight me at times but my Spirit says I am Already There. The great thing about Spirit is that it knows no obstacle or resistance. Us humans have that luxury. After working out to a brutal Killian Michaels workout today and reading T. Have Eker is that, being fully committed to a goal be it fitness, love, money, adding contribution to the world, ________ fill in the blank, takes effort. That doesn’t mean you won’t have somethings fall on your lap but for the most part the doing creates the accomplishment. The belief or the knowing that it already IS, is just the visual your mind and body need to believe Spirit when it says It is already So!

As I kick myself and love myself, I ask do I have what it takes to do the hard work? Do I want these goals bad enough to challenge the status quo, without the easy, fries with that shake? How about you, you may work at a job that you hate because its easy. Do you avoid dating because someone may actually challenge your thinking or mirror yourself? Or hey maybe they will love the way you laugh and you have to deal with that?

Do you really think your gonna win the lotto if you don’t get off the couch and drive so far away to the 7-11 and purchase one. Neither is sitting on the couch and wishing for the inches to disappear while watching the Biggest Loser. I know, I tried and it didn’t work. *Tear* I guess I am working out to be steamy hot. At least I am stronger, faster and I have the technology to manifest again and again.

I hope I have stirred within that makes you say to yourself, Go Big or Go Home!

Love and Hugs,
Jen

My life is a complete blessing even during the times that totally suck. My thanksgiving has been a process. My previous life, as I would call it, was one without always being thankful for the hard and the ugly. I am generally optimistic but when I have had major depressive episodes I can’t say that I felt that life was worth living and I felt good about being me. Those were the days that made me not want to get up in the morning. Those times when I felt I didn’t have a voice, those times when I didn’t “see” or feel that people cared for me and I didn’t care for myself. Man was I on the wrong thinking train! Honestly I am blessed by those trials by fire. The beauty of it all is that I know how strong I am because of my so called “troubles,” They’re the occasional times when I wished for the perfect parent, the perfect “Leave it to Beaver” existence. Times I wished for the ease of a love life were I never got hurt or have money falling down upon me without hard work. I am kidding myself to think I really want it that easy. My poetry mostly drawn from pain or joy of loves I have had in my life, in romance, life and death. I would probably be totally bored and not very wise if I went along without any strife. I know my present and future is full of light as I will make sure of it with my optimism and thought training. I am sure challenges will come up but I know that due to my past darkness I am closer to the light now and will get through the challenges with strength. Freedom is knowing what the bottom looks like. Fears tend to dissipate if you have been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt. Freedom is walking toward the happier thought on a cloudy day and knowing you can survive pretty much anything. Human are special creatures, we can survive shark attacks, emotional pains of child abuse. A great example: Dave Pelzer or someone who survived burns and then later became a quadriplegic, the honorable life of W Mitchelle. These humans are extraordinary not for their traumas but for their brains, and strength of thought on how they overcame limits. If they had suffered darkness they didn’t stay long. They live with no fear and I am sure feel freer than most suburban depressives.

I hope you gain freedom without challenges of life. If challenged, I encourage you to be grateful for the lessons or skills learned and to know you are strong and can conquer your inner world.

Love and Hugs,
Jen

The Divine, Source, God, The Universe, The highest form of energy in existence, Love are all my definitions of God. Bigger than everything that humans can imagine or fathom. I know that God loves everything ever created, larger like a Universe and smaller than a quarks and leptons for all those physics lovers. Love as a bigger concept, not only human love, romantic or even mother/child love but that of the highest vibrational energy within the Universe. This love at a practical and smaller frame of reference is how we treat ourselves, (manifestations of God), and how we treat others (other manifestations of God, People, Things, Matter, Earth, Plants) For our purposes lets keep this discussion around the planet known as Earth. Save the Empire! LOL

To label God limits the Truth of ALL THAT IS. As Kierkegaard stated “If you label me you negate me.” The label emits an idea that gets fixed in the mind as if God HAS TO BE a certain way. In that sense when we label God, Man or Mother/Father we miss all the parts of God we aren’t seeing. This concept is so much more than a man named Jesus if you are so inclined, or a man in the sky that looks at us with love, IT is so much more than a humanistic view. God can not be contained nor should IT. Every person on Earth even those whom people call evil have a piece of God or Spirit in them. Most times those who harm others are just living their ego needs and not seeing the bigger picture where everything one does, thinks, feels effects every person and thing vibrationally. If they really had true knowledge on how Awesome their power to effect is, they might think twice about doing harm.

Perfection is not the goal here or else life would get pretty boring. However, learning and growing not to be in ego and to think from a HIGHER Loving perspective is. By trying to see how we create in the broad and small in our world we can move more into a God-Like existence.

Taking this another step further to self love. I can speak for the many times I do not honor my own self and how I have treated myself poorly. I have treated myself like someone I didn’t like. This is in fact crazy, but many of us do it all the time. Sometimes without a thought and sometimes with intent to harm ourselves. My own journey has taken me from care taker of others, binge eater, self loather and not owning my emotions and likes for fear of rejection. This life is a process and although I am more well adjusted and “healthy” than I have been, life still tests my self love everyday.

As my transformation continutes I hope to inspire or let others know they are never alone!

Love and Hugs,
Jen

Very few things scare me, however, last night a guy in my neighborhood was screaming and shooting off about 5 rounds. I pray into the air, but I am not sure. My oh smart roommate, went to the window to see the commotion. That is not the time to be curious. I didn’t go into panic mode but getting her away from windows and making sure our door was locked was a priority. Calling the police was next. It got me thinking and praying about where we are in the world today. Here are some stats via the Department of Justice on gun violence.

In what world does anger justify fire arms? If I was a mother and harm came to my child would that justify it? If I was beaten and abused? If I was protecting myself from an assailant? It’s a strange world we live in where it’s almost common place when gun shots are outside your house and you can go on about your day as if nothing happened. It’s sad. It is difficult when you don’t have control of other people’s harmful behavior. I think it is my job to try my darnedest to be as “God like” as possible. I only have control over my own actions, thoughts and emotions after all. What I put out in the world I get back. It sure isn’t easy when some driver is pissing me off to stay cool and not say the automatic, curse the idiot. I guess the experiment in life is to try to give love and good energy out and when something not so “good” happens try to turn that around in ones mind to find the humor or hope. Not repeating the negative behavior in small and large ways would be good as well. Hope is important to have especially in times that are challenging like these. There is proof there is good in the world and even if there are people who aren’t conscious or thoughtful of others there are many more who are. I am Pollyanna and naive at times, but it’ my hope that we as humans will evolve where violence isn’t as causal as it seems today.

Sending loving kindness to all who have felt negative violent acts in large and small ways today.

Namaste, Love, and Hugs,

Jen

I come from the school of thought that all paths lead to God. My mom had always given me choice when it came to my personal spirituality. Mind you, I am sure from just being her daughter I was apt to be more open than the next cat, as she studied and challenged her own beliefs at a deafening pace. I was given the opportunity at very young age say 5 or 6, to pick and choose for myself. My mom understood the premium of free will and the strong importance it was to teach choice. I was offered a chance at going to Sunday School, I took it. A woman my Mom knew was taking me. That didn’t last very long, as the woman died, and it was on to the next spiritual endeavor. I was exposed to many philosophies Christianity primarily Protestant and Catholicism, Gnostic and Essene teachings, Eckankar, Transcendental Meditation, Yoga, Science of Mind, and later on via my brother and other channels, Zen and Tibetan philosophies in Buddhism, Hinduism and Jewish Kabbalah and Metaphysics.

Needless to say I had a lot to choose from. At times these opportunities of choice were a blessing and curse. Some years all I wanted was a institution or a set of rules to follow to make me feel more connected, to have a sense of belonging or even a feeling of righteousness. At times I was comforted knowing that the meat of God was always accessible within my soul and not by teachings that didn’t resonate truth for me. I now appreciate and feel connected more by being challenged by all my experiences and my personal quest into the feeling universe. For me, the dogma aspect of religions mask the truth behind the original teachings. I do think religion and institutions have their place but I do not think that God says one doorway or access point to me or I will delete you from my “Heart”. That doesn’t compute for me! My beliefs are based in trial and error, faith as well as, study. I am a believer that every piece of energy (the space in between the energy, as well) in the universe is a subsection of God, Consciousness or Source. Whatever label you want to put on it, it is All There Is. I am happy to know that I am a speckle in this wondrous outcrop of physical reality. This doesn’t take away the fact that I can manifest this energy into a personal God that I can talk to, cry to or even scream at. I also know that God in human experience can barely be fathomed in its Wholeness by the logical mind and I am ok not knowing everything at this moment. Well, at least some of the time

I could go on and on but I will let this simmer.

Love and Hugs
Jen

This week/week-end has been pretty fab I have to say. It’s a late hour the way I like it. It’s a good time for reflection without life’s noises.

This week was great- Status of greatness: I got awesome chocolates from a cute, intelligent and passionate guy, who I have a school girl crush on. It’s a bit romantic to get a Valentine from a person you have never met. Even though it was a contest of sorts -my wit, humor and sex appeal aided, I gather, to gaining the sweet gesture. Nice!!! I will have to get my Go Go Yubari outfit from the back of my closet to show off my school girl uniform.

I worked in the city this past week. Easy graphic job that paid nicely for 2 and a half days work. Not too shabby.

I went out with my roommate and good friend Jeanette, Friday night. We went to a local dance place to gt our dance on and celebrating our woman hood. Saw an old male acquaintance. He is very good-looking but he is a player to the 10th power. He tried kissing me, an ego boost maybe but he was not signaled for take off. I wasn’t flirting just being friendly – there is a difference! From me you can tell by the way I smile, my coyness, shyness or balls out straight forwardness whether or not I am interested. No signal from my part but c’est la vie. It’s a nice reminder that I am attractive even when I am not back into my hot pants yet. Soon, Soon!

Finally, even though with fuzzy head, I am looking toward my future. What I want and how I will attain it. A little help from the universe and some gusto. I can get bogged down by all the shiny in the world. This oyster of a world can have so much to do and be and love that I have to remember to prioritize as there are other days, weeks, months where the shiny can be claimed. Not all at once or all the time. Somethings are nice all at once. Hugging, kissing, and walking hand in hand with someone special while visiting a exotic place or going to Trader Joe’s. Reading a book while your honey just sitting reading his book an occasional sexy glance or oh my check this out moment. Other shiny things like getting a passport or working out can be solo and probably done not simultaneously. I am not walking to the nearest processing center which is about 250 miles away. LOL

So all in all, a great week of moving forward, catching some romance and gaining focus.

Love and Hugs

Jen