Spiritual Endeavor

Disappointment has been one of my soul lessons and personal challenges. In the past, disappointment and feelings that I chose to feel from such experiences lead to massive pain, stalemate and a massive case of victim mentality. Growing up I was a hippy child in a sense; no rules, no challenges to be a good student and not so much as a go brush your teeth before bed. My Mom taught me about the greats, Joe Jackson, Issac Asimov and various spiritualities. Discipline and stick to-it-ness wasn’t in her teaching tool kit. I was not babied but I was hugged a lot. Not sure if my brother would agree on the non babied assessment. I never had my hand held including times when I wish there had been many hands of support, encouragement and kicking my butt. Choir concerts and sexual harassment at school are two examples. So disappointment was a early theme that made my rose colored glasses a bit muddy in coloring.

We all know everyone suffers setbacks, walls that seem to hold you back and even just feathers that seem like walls. When reaching that feather wall you can be so frustrated you don’t realize how easy it is to move the feather to reach your potential. My pattern was to run away from disappointment. Man I was like the roadrunner when it comes to running away but eventually the feeling of lack of worthiness would creep in and boy did it tackle me. Whining to my Mom or anyone who would listen and even that grew tiring. Sometimes disappointment would cripple me so bad that I really couldn’t see the way to change the situation. Life tends to move forward and I would ask, where is the next hurdle?

I know that the lessons weren’t really about not getting the guy, the job, or the fact I wished life was different; it was me wanting me to be different. I thank disappointment, as it taught me not to give up on myself. That took oh many many years people! I am sure I will be attacked by the Disappointment Bear now and again. Although I will hug him now as he isn’t as scary as he once was. LOL Avoiding disappointment is like avoiding your face. Eventually you have to look at it to be ok with it. I also think disappointment is a great marker for what you care about. How would you know if you always got everything you ever wanted easily? To me that would be like a place without growth. I know the experience also teaches me whether or not I want something bad enough. In the past I didn’t have my inner cheerleader standing by to say You can do it! Or Why not try you’ll be no worse for ware. Self assurance is a quality everyone needs to learn. I still like a friend/family cheerleader now an again but now know I will go for my goals, aspirations, and the guy even if I fall on my face a few times. Thank goodness for plastic surgery. (Kidding!)

Personal expectations tend to high when you have a disappointing feeling in your midst. Expectations will be another future post.

I hope there is a sense of ease now when you are hit with setbacks and roadblocks. As always life loves to see how we fare under conditions of variety. I would love to hear your stories and how you have overcome or been shaken but not stirred. Any perspective on riding the waves of life would excellent, as I think we can all learn from one another.

Love and Hugs,
Jen

Well, well, little miss I hate doing anything that expends energy. Speaking to myself of course. I used to be so efficient (umm lazy), so much so that when I went to take in the laundry from the laundromat I would nearly kill myself my carrying two 30 lbs bags up the stairs just so I wouldn’t have to go up and down again. Awake again from a life coma, I know that hard work is in order to claim what I want in life. If I want to manifest things in my life like being 112 lbs, writing an e-book for ending depression, making more than enough money than I will ever need and finding a fabulous guy to date and eventually marry, I have to do the leg work. Manifesting takes many angles. One, is the affirmative thought one has the goal attained with belief. Another the feeling(s) you have as if the goal is achieved and doing the leg work by changing thinking and behavior to meet the universe more than halfway to reach said goal. Finally the trickiest part, the ability to let go of control, give up the result (No feeling like you will die if you don’t accomplish or attain) and be patient.

All those things I have been able to do rather unconsciously and others times really push through and sometimes give up when the going got to “hard”. Now my mind set is clearer and stopping on my journey is not an option. Knowing what I want helps a great deal, still fuzzy on some stuff but over all have a better idea now more than ever. My mind and body fight me at times but my Spirit says I am Already There. The great thing about Spirit is that it knows no obstacle or resistance. Us humans have that luxury. After working out to a brutal Killian Michaels workout today and reading T. Have Eker is that, being fully committed to a goal be it fitness, love, money, adding contribution to the world, ________ fill in the blank, takes effort. That doesn’t mean you won’t have somethings fall on your lap but for the most part the doing creates the accomplishment. The belief or the knowing that it already IS, is just the visual your mind and body need to believe Spirit when it says It is already So!

As I kick myself and love myself, I ask do I have what it takes to do the hard work? Do I want these goals bad enough to challenge the status quo, without the easy, fries with that shake? How about you, you may work at a job that you hate because its easy. Do you avoid dating because someone may actually challenge your thinking or mirror yourself? Or hey maybe they will love the way you laugh and you have to deal with that?

Do you really think your gonna win the lotto if you don’t get off the couch and drive so far away to the 7-11 and purchase one. Neither is sitting on the couch and wishing for the inches to disappear while watching the Biggest Loser. I know, I tried and it didn’t work. *Tear* I guess I am working out to be steamy hot. At least I am stronger, faster and I have the technology to manifest again and again.

I hope I have stirred within that makes you say to yourself, Go Big or Go Home!

Love and Hugs,
Jen

Stability is funny. I look at stability as something one makes for themselves with the people and things they surround themselves with. My own journey to stability has been a process. My childhood was riddled with endless moves, I mean seriously, 18 times before my 18th birthday and I was no Army Brat. I had quite a lot of anxiety as a kid. We never had a lot of money so meals were inventive and filled with Taylor Ham and Mac and Cheese. I was so tense as a kid and had a feeling that we would have a fire and loose everything. I used to wear my clothes to bed in fear I would lose everything and nothing left. Ironic because when I was 12 the shoe dropped again in my life and all I had was what I was wearing when me and my mom were homeless in Florida. Please don’t pity me, even though it was tough and sucky for a kid to go through, I know what I value in life due to these experiences.

As an adult I own very few things possibly because I fear that at any moment I may move or some natural disaster will take it all away. Or really the fact is I know that I own things but they do not own me. I used to be OBSESSED with magazines so much so from about 1991 to 2007 I would take my articles (even those of which I never read) with me from every move. They were like my security blanket of control. I know metaphysically I have control of my life but for much of life I gave my environment and external stuff power to give me a sense of control and stability. Hence we all love rituals and the familiar corner Shop Rite or Dunkin Donuts to make us feel like we are home. Thank God for an Ice coffee with mocha swirl syrup and moo! A reason why I liked Catholicism so much is for its architecture and design for ritual.

Currently I don’t need things to make me feel stable but enjoy them to enhance my life. That is probably why I only own what I can fit into a small bedroom. I will probably be a bohemian vagabond for life even if I have a central home life and responsibilities for the rest of my years. Wanderlust will always be inside me and possessions will just be toys to play with. Shoes! Lets get um!

My life is provided stability by the relationships of love and friendship that I have. No matter what, I know there are a select few that if the ship went down they would go down with me gleefully. Well at least we would be supporting and laughing each other during the trails of the day. I loved my mom and although it was inordinately tough to deal with her, she still gave all the love she had to me and my brother. Our family journey helped me see that stuff really doesn’t matter as much as the people in your life. Mind you I still love paper products known as books and my poetry and journals. I love my Mac and sometimes a fierce pair of shoes but I know I love my loved ones so much more and would give up all my “stuff” if I had too for them.

I hope your own journey of stability brings you back to what truly matters. People, Books, and furry things of course!

Love and Hugs,
Jen

I am an over thinker, not necessarily worrier but I think till the cows, chickens and horses come home. Habitually not always with constructive thoughts. I am also an emotional absorber, an intuitive and generally emotional. I cry at movies, puppies being hurt and cry when I empathize which is all to often. I am also stoic at times as if to protect myself from feeling. For example when I am problem solving, or if I have to much on my plate as if I can’t be concerned with emotions when I need to pay my rent. I will let off steam by crying but or getting angry at myself or an object. Damn you chair, I kill you! LOL I was speaking to a friend recently and it hit me that I still have stuff that I need to deal with. LOL A shocker right?!! I am still human and breathing. LOL Sometimes its easy to forget to check in with myself and ask how am I doing, are those feelings my feelings or are they someone else’s, can I do better next time without the negative self talk?

How do I not go crazy? Sometimes I let the crazy out. I will drive around in my car and scream. Sometimes I dance out my issues or just give myself ME time to cry, think, or just BE! That can be challenging with life and people in it drawing attention away from myself. It is so hard for someone like myself who thrive when people need me. I know it is never selfish to take ME time. Without it one can continue to be lost within themselves and then happiness is always elusive.

Happy Birthday to ME!

On the eve of my 31st birthday I am happy with how far I have come as a human, mistakes and all. I know I have many things I want to do and become and why not start some of them this year. I know for sure my 2008 will include more ME time for myself, even if it’s 10 minutes more a day. Nothing so drastic as everyone in my phone will be deleted. (Sorry friends I will see you when I am done with ME time.) LOL By making my needs important and tuning into my higher self and my ego self so I can give more of who I really am to my loved ones and to life as a whole.

Much love and hugs,

Jen

Me and my roommate are interesting women. We find Discovery Channel cool, laugh at our interest in Mr. Darsey, and get into fits of cleaning and organization to make the garbage men angry. Tonight was no exception. Again by feeling the pull of our dream boards, light casting and the need to claim our future we came to a realization the clutter (distraction/energy traps) in our apartment is keeping the good chi from doing it’s thing. A mad dash to increase the flow of energy to our prosperity and love corners and really I am just so happy to have the crap moved and out of the house so I can enjoy the energy I am putting into my claimed space.

Odd unexpected thing happened last night. I channeled Jeanette’s Mom as I was talking to Jeanette. It was good but her mother was crying and a bit upset and sending love Jeanette’s way. A grounding crystal and a glass of water was needed so I could calm down after. Freakish but cool that the Universe thinks I am ready for this sort of thing. This doesn’t happen often I think it has happened once before with my Mom but with grief I could be making my Mom up in my head. I don’t think so but who can prove such things. This time I felt a black woman’s presence and my mom was clearly not black.

I, jokingly, worry I will channel Genghis Khan at the grocery store and he will want to get his tomatoes faster than everyone else and cause a scene. LOL Kind of reminds me of Bill and Ted’s excellent adventure when they were at the mall. Joan of Arc and aerobics. It could happen LOL and monkeys may fly out of my butt.

Love and Hugs

Jen

A while back say in 2005 I came across the personality tests that help you see your personality and help you find a career. It assessed me as INFPs (Healer Idealists). Over the years I have struggled with my need to be motherly to others, protect myself from self serving people, as well as, find meaningful work. In 2005 I took this test during a time of great stress. My job was sucking the life out of me and my mom left the the good earth from a stroke rather quickly. This left me unable to fully grasp what the assessments were speaking of. Now in 2008 and after more than one struggle to find peace in work I found my print-outs of those assessments. I am not trying to be all high and mighty however, others have told me that I always have been a person of great caring, compassion, and patience with other’s dramas, foibles, pain always feeling a connection to certain people that seemed to need… a person whom would listen, not judge and love or understand them in their time of need. All the times I would meet these people in grocery store lines, at work or a random calling for me to say a kind word to a stranger. A month or so ago I got a quick one question psychic reading about my path in life and he said without knowing me or my personality profile – If I find something to be passionate about in the healing arts, spiritual healing and such. That would be a great area to put my compassion to use. I am open to the possibility now that I may or may not do this for work as I do this so automatically with people but to get paid for it would be a bonus. Now my future goals include studying healing modalities like Reiki and other energy modalities as well as continuing my mothering love and counsel. Even at a party this week-end I was speaking to a girl I had never met said I should be a life coach.

PS • The Unity church has sparked my interest of late. They believe in the inclusion of all people and the power of your thinking. I think it is a another way to show people how to change their lives through positive affirmation of faith in God/Universal Source Energy, a name by any other name would smell as sweet, and how their thinking can help bring about profound changes in a person life.

I am moving toward the person I was born to be and I am loving it LOL

Other goals: to write more, to live more and to love more.

Love and Hugs

Jen

My aha moments sometimes come after a long study, an obsession of topic. This week has been no exception. Maybe in Sept or Oct a friend recommended the book, The 4-Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss. I took the book out of the library. I like the 3 week deadline sometimes. I read it, it was good, very good. It was easy to understand. The guy behind the book seemed interesting but at that time the information decided to leave my brain. Moving again and all that entails and my own self (fear) stopped me from moving on any of the tips suggested. I am known to do a few nonsensical things and this, among many, was be one of them. This month I was loading up my Google Reader found Tim’s Blog. I started to be rekindled by the information in his blog and others in the lifehacker family. I also in a magical way also acquired a crush on Tim. I am generally haven’t been attracted to blond men but his devilish grin, great smile and intellect makes Tim uber attractive. I have been obsessing by finding all media, pictures and reading as much about him and his ideas as possible. Although in his book, Tim references how to find anyone you want to speak with in various ways, I myself am not going that route. I am chicken (Bahak, bad imitation of a chicken.) I am a little late for a bet he had with one of his friends that he couldn’t outsource dating. I think he finished his experiment 20 dates happier and proved his friend wrong. I think the scenario is like hiring an Indian or Malaysian Yenta. I am hopeful to meet him in 2008 but above all I want to thank Tim for his inspiration helping me find joy in the things I do with my time. The type of life we live, laughter with friends, personal adventures to grow and/or explore, and doing stuff you love at its core is what Tim’s ideals are about. Why do many of us put off what we enjoy or might enjoy in the hopes of experiencing it later in life. Especially and possibly when a whole lot of your juice or spark for living has dwindled. The fire still needs fuel people! Check out his book and don’t go stealing my man unless you are as awesome as he is.
Here is an amazing short film by Mark Osborne that portrays the fear I have about letting my spark die. It is a beautiful 8 minutes that has made me shed a tear and has inspired me as well.

Love and Hugs

Jen

Man am I am bad blogger? LOL I could say that I have been doing freelance graphic design in the meantime but that doesn’t quell the need for new or interesting information on spirituality or living life to its fullest.

OK it is a gorgeous day today, warm and sunny not a cloud in the sky. I am trying to be less fearful in terms of change I like the status quo waaaay to much. I am thinking about a lot of things to help force me out of my comfort zone. Maybe moving to a younger, active environment, maybe becoming a dance teacher, join the circus, well maybe not the last one unless I get to become very bendy and work for Cirque. I am getting off my butt and working out and learning how to cook real food. Learning to have discipline and setting goals and trying not to be afraid of failing, since its not the end of the world If I do. I am trying not to give up on my self just because it may be hard or I might be afraid. In what ways am I not living to my fullest potential? What if I did step out and did things that on the outside don’t scare me but on the inside make me want to be anti-social and never have to experience life or relationships or challenges. That’s all bunk cause I know that is the reason all of us are on Earth. We need to challenge oneself and be challenged by other people. I know I have grown but I could grow in a faster clip by changing it up a bit and really combating fears, prejudices, thoughts and feelings that are not serving me any longer. God wanted all of us to be in Love with the experience of knowing the IAM. Even Jesus had rough days, he asked for the burden to be taken from him but asked for God’s will to be done anyway. Buddha was in such anguish looking and experiencing suffering but followed the path ever humbly to reach a state where he would be connected to all things that wasn’t an easy road. These great teachers among others took baby and giant leaps toward living their lives. They are extraordinary examples. We can be like them if we Let Go, Let God and move past irrational fear and experience life to the fullest.

I am forward on making changes. I hope others challenge me to make sure I am continue to move and grow. Sometimes a good push or kick in the butt is what a lady needs!

Love and Hugs

Jen

I read that humor raises the energy or vibrations of people. However, humor that hurts or is sarcastic does not. It is funny, I am not normally sarcastic but at times I have been known to throw a sarcastic dagger now and again. Usually I realize that sometimes it is not taken lightly and/or misinterpreted or I did feel a certain way about a person and maybe wanted to dig at them in a humorous way. My aim is to make my humor less abrasive and more light and silly. Kids usually don’t do sarcasm but they are hilarious little people anyway. I hope to make you smile and laugh along this journey of ours.

Love and Hugs,
Jennifer

Full article is from the Orlando Sentinel.

I am starting off by stating at one time I was a full fledged, go to church every Sunday Catholic for a good time in my late teens into my early twenties. I still have a love of Rosary Beads, Jesus, pomp and circumstance and frankincense. I however, for many sociological, moral, and personal reasons don’t believe in the dogma of the Church. So when I read this article about how the Pope wants the teaching of limbo to include the hope that God will give special dispensation for unbaptized babies going to hell. I wanted to laugh and Praise the Lord for real.

Additionally in the article the Rev. Richard McBrien, professor of theology at the University of Notre Dame, states “….we’re left with only one option, namely, that everyone is born in the state of grace.”

Finally someone who speaks my language! My personal belief is that we are all apart of God, the Spirit or soul is in direct connection to God, Source, All That Is, The Universe ect, all of the time… To think God would throw anyone away especially, babies is another way to make people believe in an Unloving God and the connection to said is gone. To feel that for a simple thing like lack of baptism could keep one from God’s love is absurd. The ego and ideas of self disapproval, unworthiness and just plain false information separates us from God and feelings of Unconditional Love that is in constant flow to everyone all the time. Many just haven’t tuned in or the haven’t let go of old conditioning.

The world would be a calmer and more peaceful and cooperative place if everyone KNEW and BELIEVED in Unconditional Love.

Think of the love you would show yourself and others if that channel was clear. Wouldn’t you treat your body better? Wouldn’t you say things more sweetly? Wouldn’t you we more grateful and want to express Godness and Goodness everyday? Wouldn’t you have faith in the process and journey of living?
I hope everyone gives themselves a Big Hug and have learned that God Truly Loves You. The energy of the Highest Vibration is Love and by being loving and compassionate to everyone and everything you are loving God and raising the vibration in the world.

Love and Hugs

Jennifer