Pretty In Pink!

Finding myself again is an interesting process. Self/Personality/Intimate nature has been either locked away or hidden by fear of past pain or what it I lose something if I speak my truth. I am taking the rewarding approach by not condemning myself for my self imposed prison or self inflection of “I should have done this a long time ago.” Part of finding myself again is reclaiming my fem-fatal nature. I back in the day, I took pride in myself and enjoyed my girl-ness. I can’t say I was a make-up wearer everyday but enjoyed the comical outfits I put together or ones that showed my legs. Those physical characteristics that said to the outer world I care about myself. I am returning to said creature and even attempting the *gasp* what I have never done before, which is wear make-up everyday. My Feme transformation back to self also include self care of beauty, mind, heart and soul. All for later posts.
Fear of rejection, fear of being uninteresting has always kept me from that route of dating in a normal sense. Bizarre, since I can have great conversations with total strangers and I know their whole life story and they sometimes barely catch my name. I am learning that not everyone is interested in other people as I am. That is ok. I also learned from an old friend that maybe I need to be more interested in myself and express that a bit more without the shadow worried that it maybe exposed.
Strangest are my various loves of people or hobbies have come in and out and in again into my life. I am seeking a purpose driven life in a NON-Rick Warren way. Cautious because when I am engaged in someone else or something else I tend to lose myself to the detriment of myself and others. I am very open to those who have been in my inner circle for ages and trust that they are interested the words that come out of my mouth but for newer people I am coy and mysterious. I am falling in love with myself now to change that. Without all this being about me, me, and me in conversation I would like to contribute my true self to others without a wall. Slowly I hope I am getting there. 1st my make-up….

Photo by _marmota

I’ve been reading one of my favorite blogs of a crafter that I follow. Be Present Be Here brought me to tears just now. I have held back all month when I could but couldn’t contain it anymore. The blogger wrote about how an encounter with an old lady at the supermarket almost brought her to tears and that made me cry. She has lost her grandma . . . not like she wandered off but passed away. A few years ago my mom passed away as well. It’s an odd time of year and I totally understand the loneliness and reasons behind the high suicide rate of the holiday season. Various reasons: missing those who have passed on. Missing those who are far away. Missing those who are near but feel far away in emotional connection and proximity. Feeling like there is nobody to love or to be loved by!

The time of year when, if one has a small family and few close friends, it feels at times bitter more than sweet. Those who complain about how awful their families are may feel the grass is greener without the drama of big family, but I wish for a big family. One made by loins and by hearts tied together in friendship. I am lucky, even if I sometimes feel like I’m outside looking in on someone else’s party, that tonight two of my single girlfriends are hanging out at my house. One I live with and the other is an old friend whose family is dispersed in various directions.

I sometimes forget that in order to have family I have to create it. This means getting out in the dating world for real, meeting new positive, loving friends who will be a solid support system and want to partake in a life with me punctuated with daily, weekly, and/or festive or monthly communions.

I miss my mom, that is very true! I miss having more of family/friends and more traditions that are built in my life. After hearing a show I listen to on Hay House Radio by Dr. Mona Lisa, I’ve decided I need to impart more joyous activity and community into my life. By watching a funny movie, creating a group, or adding hobbies to my monthly schedule will add much more happiness to my life.

I am grateful to have all I do, my small family and a small group of people who think of me—even when it’s not a holiday. I am blessed!

Much Love and Hugs,

Jen

Misfit Dolly

Updates from the past 3 or so months would bore you all to tears, so I am going to say one word. CHANGE!

The word makes me inherently antsy and sometimes for no good reason. I pride myself on having a cool exterior with bouts of hyperactive joy, but underneath I can be super-tense and worked up with no one the wiser! My basket of change has been of change I wanted and change I fear will come. The last bit is really silly since The Present is the only thing we truly have until, oh wait, it’s gone. I am glad I didn’t fret about that last second. Now if I could just let go and let it flow each and every second!

Obviously the world is changing, toward the good, I hope. (I am optimistic even if it can be scary.) The current situations/systems are in upheaval and we cannot see the full outcome. The not-so-ethical and nefarious are being dethroned and the sheep are learning to think or take responsibility for themselves. Not always fun but dang gun it’s exciting! Oh, what a time to be blessed to be alive. We obviously are here at this time for our own and global conscious purpose even if we don’t understand the unfolding and our own part in the puzzle yet.

A friend at work gave me a Misfit Dolly. She still loved her, but she thought it would be fun to bring us 3 misfits in our batcave, a present. A reminder that we have our own island where we take care of each other at least with fun, food, and emotional support. If you want a reference to Misfit Dolly, tune into Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer this holiday season and see the misfit toys sing and dance to be saved by Rudolf and Santa!

Randomness ensues~ the only message I have currently is to myself and all those that need to hear it.

I am Divinely guided and protected. Where I am today is all perfect, whole, and complete. Where I am is where I need to be. Where I am going is where I will be when I am ready to serve with my full value and love. All is well in my world!

Love and Hugs,
Jen

Firey Solar Eclipse by amodiovalerioverde

This weekend the stars and life have got me really creative, in various moods & emotions and thinking about what destiny has in store for me. I have a dualistic belief that some things in your life are predestined and some things are of choice. Maybe depending on the day, it may all seem very self-serving to think that I have control over my life. In some sense I have a fraction of control but feel at times life and my emotions take me on the journey. I know all good things have their time and purpose even if I have no idea what I am supposed to do in life beyond flickers of interest or desired intent or when my life feels like home.

I do feel that certain people and events happen in my life to influence or change my inner world, my beacon of direction and inspiration. I think these things are on purpose even if the event or person doesn’t know that they are in a synchronistic evolving journey with the collective and me. I only pray that the experience of these events and all these wonderful people that smash into my life will make me a better person, more full of life, happier, and thankful for the energy exchanged. I want to be transformed to be more of who I am supposed to be.

I pray you see the wonderful duality in life. The people and events that hit you upside the head and get you to think, move, grow, and love more than you ever dreamed. Hopeful that my destiny and choice meet me to take me under their wings and transport me to a place filled with creative magic, love, and the possibilities of making my own little heaven on earth.

Love and Hugs,

Jen

pain/tears/silence by darkroom11

I think I repeat patterns for many reasons.

1. Habit of not working hard, like easy roads with clear outcomes.
2. Nearly masochistic enjoyment when my heart does the same things over and over again to hurt myself.
3. Archetypes that are innumerable and help me be the clown, wounded child, and lonely hearts club member, to name but a few repeating themes.

Other fun stuff on my mind this week is that I have way too many interests, shiny things that catch my attention or desire. Choosing a path or a select few that hold my passion and love and will give me stability in all areas of life is a super challenge for me. Good to be creative and interested, bad if I am stuck in a corner worrying what to paint, to love, to write, and to act in a directive manner.

This weekend I was spending time with two good friends. I was inspired Saturday night and wrote numerous poems at their house and wrote many more Sunday and Monday. So I was productive and had fun. Go Figure?

I realize all-or-nothing thinking is always dangerous and, I know I need focus in desired dreams in order to reach them. Be it love, work, connection to the whole of life and health of mind, body, and spirit.

As a little girl I didn’t worry so much about choice of career or purpose. I had a talk show. I would dance, do gymnastics on my bed, I would interview imaginary people with my tape player, I would sing, I ran around wanting to be everything, loved being goofy and imaginative. My mom suggested I be a hairdresser or teacher. Yuck, I always scoffed. I just wanted people to laugh or enjoy what show I was doing. I was giving many a performance to an imaginary audience or my mom, nana, or brother. Man, I wish I could recapture what that little girl had.

I’m realizing now at 31 years old that I have a whole lot of life left to make my dreams happen even when I feel so hopeless and feel I haven’t fully given any of my true dreams a shot. Feeling as if I couldn’t do whatever it is my heart wants me to sing. I desire many things before I die in this lifetime, many just having to do with loving the people I ensconce myself with and those I would love to touch in the future with my own unique spirit.

I am very close to my silly happy-go-lucky side as well as my self-loathing pain-filled side. I know it’s OK to love both but my love of my pain or consistent internal suffering isn’t productive for a loving, generous, compassionate, and meaningful life. Does make for great art of any substance though!

I look to my friends, family, and spirit to guide me so I can share my love with others as well as with myself.

Suggestions?

Love and Hugs,

Jen

Learning to readjust to a new way of doing things. Especially if I am carrying extra loads now. Pre-planing and possibly a cab or smaller trips will have to be my main stay for a while. I see all of this as a positive learning experience as I am learning to plan my time, execution, and the planet. Not to shabby due to financial hardship of job loss. My butt shaping up more as well.

I have to say even with buses I walk more because I am still learning routes, have little cash from unemployment and me trying to not become a hermit as depression can sync in if I never leave the house. Libraries are great and general tying up loose ends, Newark, DMV, Ez-pass and the post office have become events where I can commune with people. I need to be around people even if I don’t know them a little interaction a smile and hello goes a long way.

Hugs,

Jen

Different point of view by tonythemisfit

As always when I am looking or am open to signs from the Universe, many tiny threads of synchronicity show up. They usually pop up to either teach me something, inspire me to take action, or give me guidance that I am following the right path. This week I feel the signs and here are a few things that are getting me inspired.

I am reading The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell, I know a little behind the times or maybe just right when I needed to read it. Another wonderful inspiration who injected caliente flavor back into my life, my favorite nerdy cutie, Tim Ferriss. He inspires me to travel, and love life and myself again, Here is this week’s post of Why Bigger Goals = Less Competition via his blog. Last but not least, from my DVD collection, the movie My Date With Drew.

The themes within each of these inspirations are connected or highlighted by various signposts. Sometimes these signs need translation. As an intuitive and empath, I can see threads in my own life when I am not blocking life. For others it tends to be easier as I am not “emotionally invested” in a particular outcome. I know that everyone has seen or felt these signs and we get either excited by them or scared and brush them off. My hope is to inspire others to open up to life in order to listen to these markers. In the past I had really clear markers on my own intuition and mistook them for things that they weren’t. That’s the trouble with translating the intangible sometimes. Through experience I learned that I needed not to push what I wanted onto the signposts and let life move me to my next destination.

These connections help me dream big impossible dreams like the Man from La Mancha. Tim says one should go for the bigger impossible dreams due to less competition. Drew Barrymore speaks of taking risks and loves that she may be a marker of fate that inspires Brian to go after his dreams (one of which was to have a date with Drew). The Tipping Point helps show the interconnectivity of our emotions and energy and their ability to change the flow of things, like Hush Puppies’ popularity, Paul Revere spreading news of the British invasion, or help being provided after a tsunami.

Sometimes I get an idea or person stuck in my head like Tim Ferriss. My intuition is turned on “repeat” on a topic until I ask, So what is the message? As interesting as Tim seems, there isn’t a logical reason for me to continue to be pulled by his aura, especially since I have never met him. Other times when I get a stomachache or can’t sleep, I know something is up and wait for news. Before I moved out of my apartment in Montclair, NJ, I wasn’t sleeping well and had dreams of a fire. A few days later my ceiling caved in on my boo-boo kitty. Luckily he was OK. He is sleeping right beside me now like a good boy. After I moved out, there was a fire in the building directly next to my old apartment. Signs are good as long as you know what to do with them. I was lucky that the ceiling inspired a move so that Shadow and I would not be engulfed in flames.

My best friend Meghan told me recently that one of the things she likes about me is my ability to dream. She has known me since the 10th grade and has seen many dreams come out of my head. I bet she is laughing right now. I think Tim on repeat has a lot to do with reminding me to take life by the cojones. It could mean I am on the right path as long as I continue to listen and see signs of feeling good about where I am headed.

I have many dreams and aspirations. Here are my main priorities this year.

• To find a great sustaining love with an intelligent, funny, caring, and cute guy that will eventually lead to marriage, kids, the whole shebang.
• To find work that helps others and incorporates flexibility, possible travel, communicating with many different cultures, and reigniting my Spanish and French. I have a phone interview tomorrow for a job as described. Eek, so excited!
• I intend to learn more about how I can personally contribute to my favorite charities. One especially dear to my heart is the medical fund at Start II, an animal rescue group that saves abused and abandoned animals.
• I also intend to publish my poetry, write more poetry, post blogs, seek freelance writing assignments, and start outlines for two or three book ideas.

Intuitive signs and inspiration even came when I named this blog way back in March 2007. My brother and I were sitting in my office looking for open domain names. I knew I wanted the direction of the blog to be spiritual but not necessarily religious, and my brother noted I had this quote by Henry David Thoreau on my wall.

If people advance confidently in the direction of their dreams,
and endeavor to live the life which they have imagined,
they will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.

God love Thoreau, that man really knew how to live! I love how these connected threads show me how to live an inspired life and to follow my dreams. Godspeed to live the way you always dreamed.

Love and Hugs,
Jen

Unemployment by Marvins_Dad

I have to say the on-again-off-again lifestyle wouldn’t be so bad if I were financially safe and secure, and I would think nothing of being out of work. Being creative about making even a small bit of cash is at best “interesting.” I have lived in various wealth categories: poor, homeless, taking care of business, saving and spending, and “at least I have my health!”

Now I like to think every experience, either breathing or going through a great or not-so-great time, deserves to be viewed in a Spiritual spotlight.

• Can I be more humble?
• Can I be more grateful?
• What can I learn?
• How did I get here?
• What thoughts, conditioning, self-issues are at play here?
• How can I change my thoughts, actions, and feelings to improve the situation?
• Is my personal discipline a factor?
• Am I taking stock of where my purpose lies?

You would also think, with a lot of time and freedom, my physical form would be at the very least tighter. I don’t have the excuse that I don’t have time for exercise. Alas, not so much. A schedule would work I suppose, at least a rhythm of life so I am not surfing the net, wallowing in self pity, or watching TV for hours and hours.

It’s funny, until the release of the fear that the Universe will take care of you, things can be blocked. Maybe it’s for humbling purposes; maybe it’s supposed to channel me to another path, maybe I am learning about faith.

Job, the famous biblical figure, had to go through a whole heck of a lot more than I (I hope!) to have faith that no matter what God/Life threw at him he would survive. We all can do more than survive with a healthy positive attitude. Maybe we have to think about someone like Immaculee Ilibagiza, and the reality of losing my car or having to pay bills much later than desired isn’t so bad. The knack to surviving your own economic downturn maybe is putting on an inner smile when the clouds are overhead. No one can take away your smile, and it doesn’t cost a thing!

Love and Hugs,
Jen

What everyone should do! Priceless! by shuttercat7

Sl spirituality and charity. Live richly with being aware of the bottom line. Read The 4 Hour Work Week or The Simple Living Guide for more info.

Sorry I haven’t posted for a bit. I have been feeling a bit off-kilter due to finances. Please forgive me!

I am making a prediction, which maybe isn’t one but I am hopeful it will come to pass. America will become a simplistic society in time, waste, living, and values in the next 20 years. I say this because of the America we see today. The crazy housing market, debt ratios, and pain of more and more people realizing that stuff only puts a temporary Band-Aid on pain, sadness, and self-esteem issues.

Simplicity is the art of reducing life to key components that you value. Like everything, life is a balance. Some people enjoy living frugally and splurging on key things like health, love, travel, books, self growth, learning, personal spirituality, and charity. Live richly while being aware of the bottom line. Read The 4 Hour Work Week or The Simple Living Guide

The direction America could swing is coming to the realization that the Big Mac that they are eating isn’t what they value, although by the purchase it seems like it is for the moment. We have lost sight of what does matter in our culture. It’s not to say you shouldn’t have needs met with dental, medical care, or a warm bed. If what you value is 400-thread Egyptian cotton but you can’t afford your car payment, your priorities may be out of whack. However, if all things are in order and fine sheets are what you want then be my guest. The lesson here is not to be stingy with oneself for the sake of it but to really prioritize what you or your family personally value. The Joneses have been dead since the 50s, but we are still looking at them for what shiny car they bought and for their approval. Honestly they can’t even afford those things now so don’t try to be like them.

My personal simple journey is, in part, knowing what I value and what my childhood lacked. I am still trying to outrun my ego needs of running away and feeling valuable. I remember when I was maybe 20 I had excellent credit, steady work, and then my childhood needs took me shopping. I remember in one day I went to Ikea and spent $1200. This was a splurge and not preplanned. My need to feel OK about myself, to feel deserving or worthy, made me buy my bedroom furniture and entertainment center on credit. After floundering, being unhappy at work, leaving jobs, and being depressed, it took me nearly 7 years and then some to pay off that and other debt. In the meantime, I am learning now about doing what one has to do to stay afloat even if you don’t want to. (Minus stress of work that becomes a mental health concern.) It doesn’t mean you have to do “it” forever. To this day I am still learning lessons and realizing that personal happiness may not come from money, but lack of security and stability will give you an awful feeling that isn’t fun. Motivation to action or depression, it is your choice!

I myself have been good and bad at simplicity. The good, I don’t own much of what I don’t value. I know people and places interest me more than too many things to clutter my life with. I have enough paper for that!

Love and Hugs,
Jen