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	<title>Spiritual Endeavor &#187; Soul lesson</title>
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		<title>Fun with Misfit Dolly</title>
		<link>http://spiritualendeavor.com/2008/12/fun-with-misfit-dolly/</link>
		<comments>http://spiritualendeavor.com/2008/12/fun-with-misfit-dolly/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 12 Dec 2008 21:51:55 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Jennifer</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Soul lesson]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Spirit lesson]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Transformation]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Work]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[changes]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Misfit Dolly]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Rudolph]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://spiritualendeavor.com/?p=121</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Updates from the past 3 or so months would bore you all to tears, so I am going to say one word. CHANGE!
The word makes me inherently antsy and sometimes for no good reason. I pride myself on having a cool exterior with bouts of hyperactive joy, but underneath I can be super-tense and worked [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<div id="attachment_119" class="wp-caption alignnone" style="width: 160px"><a href="http://spiritualendeavor.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/doll_circle.jpg"><img class="size-medium wp-image-119" title="doll_circle" src="http://spiritualendeavor.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/doll_circle.jpg" alt="Misfit Doll" width="150" height="150" /></a><p class="wp-caption-text">Misfit Dolly</p></div>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;">Updates from the past 3 or so months would bore you all to tears, so I am going to say one word. <strong>CHANGE!</strong></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;">The word makes me inherently antsy and sometimes for no good reason. I pride myself on having a cool exterior with bouts of hyperactive joy, but underneath I can be super-tense and worked up with no one the wiser! My basket of change has been of change I wanted and change I fear will come. The last bit is really silly since <span style="color: #ff0000;"><em>The Present</em></span> is the only thing we truly have until, oh wait, it’s gone. I am glad I didn’t fret about that last second. Now if I could just let go and let it flow each and every second!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;">Obviously the world is changing, toward the good, I hope. (I am optimistic even if it can be scary.) The current situations/systems are in upheaval and we cannot see the full outcome. The not-so-ethical and nefarious are being dethroned and the sheep are learning to think or take responsibility for themselves. Not always fun but dang gun it’s exciting! Oh, what a time to be blessed to be alive. We obviously are here at this time for our own and global conscious purpose even if we don’t understand the unfolding and our own part in the puzzle yet.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;">A friend at work gave me a Misfit Dolly. She still loved her, but she thought it would be fun to bring us 3 misfits in our batcave, a present. A reminder that we have our own island where we take care of each other at least with fun, food, and emotional support. If you want a reference to Misfit Dolly, tune into <a title="Rudoloh-The movie!" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058536/" target="_blank"></a><a title="Rudoloh-The movie!" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058536/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;; color: windowtext;">Rudolph, the <em>Red-Nosed Reindeer</em></span></a><a title="Rudoloh-The movie!" href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058536/" target="_blank"></a> this holiday season and see the misfit toys sing and dance to be saved by Rudolf and Santa!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;">Randomness ensues~ the only message I have currently is to myself and all those that need to hear it.</p>
<p class="MsoBodyText"><span style="color: #ff0000;"><strong>I am Divinely guided and protected. Where I am today is all perfect, whole, and complete. Where I am is where I need to be. Where I am going is where I will be when I am ready to serve with my full value and love. All is well in my world!</strong></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Love and Hugs,</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: &quot;Trebuchet MS&quot;;"><br />
</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Jen</span></p>
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		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Noticed much?</title>
		<link>http://spiritualendeavor.com/2008/09/noticed-much/</link>
		<comments>http://spiritualendeavor.com/2008/09/noticed-much/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 02 Sep 2008 02:14:06 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Jennifer</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Agape]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Life: The game]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Living Abundantly]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Soul lesson]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[affectionate]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[emotional]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[funny]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[goen unnoticed]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[loud]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[outrageous]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[quiet]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[reflective]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[silly]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://spiritualendeavor.com/?p=105</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Only one person has ever told me he loved me, and then a week or so later he broke up with me. Does that count? LOL It was long ago and it could be troubling if I didn&#8217;t think that I was the cat&#8217;s pajamas. I don&#8217;t always think of myself so highly but I [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<div id="attachment_135" class="wp-caption alignnone" style="width: 232px"><img class="size-medium wp-image-135" title="97543366_14e0bbd925_robpatrick" src="http://spiritualendeavor.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/97543366_14e0bbd925_robpatrick-222x300.jpg" alt="Invisiblity Cloak by robpatrick" width="222" height="300" /><p class="wp-caption-text">Invisiblity Cloak by robpatrick</p></div>
<p>Only one person has ever told me he loved me, and then a week or so later he broke up with me. Does that count? LOL It was long ago and it could be troubling if I didn&#8217;t think that I was the cat&#8217;s pajamas. I don&#8217;t always think of myself so highly but I am working on it. I have loved or been infatuated a few times but cupid didn&#8217;t strike us at the same time, usually. It&#8217;s funny, a friend of mine asked while we were talking in July if a particular person that I was speaking of noticed me. I said yes! Maybe for ego&#8217;s sake, or in that moment I thought I was noticed. But really, was I? I mean I guess in the physical sense, he would flirt, swap porn with me, and hug me but not really notice me, not on a core level. Or else dang, he would have seen just how awesome I am! LOL I think most if not all of us crave and long for someone to know the real us even if we go out in the world with disguises. It&#8217;s comforting to know someone wants to know you, all of you.<br />
I know most of the time in the past, in jest with friends or hopeful romantic contenders, I would pull out all the stops for people to notice me. Hey, I even have a blog for Pete&#8217;s sake! Anybody notice? Thanks to the select few who read me. I get occasional new people, but beyond the Google and Yahoo Bots, the attempts at getting people to notice are not working. I need to market better.<br />
Sometimes in my real life I feel missing even though I am in a room with people that I know love and care for me. My invisibility cloak turns on even when I don&#8217;t want it to. Depends on the moment-I have less of those experiences when people aren&#8217;t in competition for the group&#8217;s attention. I love group gatherings; it feels great to have tradition, family, and a sense of belonging. I love one-on-one conversations that get to the meat of other people. It&#8217;s hard to find the core of someone when distractions abound. I know for a fact my true friendships are kept sacred when we share one-on-one time.<br />
This epiphany, I guess, is the forever seeking what I felt was missing. Wondering why I couldn&#8217;t give this to myself. Was it in the mechanism? I have to say that reconnecting to my poetry, my journals, and a feeling that maybe a few of you on- and off-line are listening has filled me immensely. Maybe that is why I wanted to be an actress for so many years, so people would notice. Maybe that is why I wanted to be a singer/songwriter. I want people to know ME even though most will only know the surface.<br />
I could list the possible causes of my affliction, maybe due to lack of attention from Mom or a father figure. Maybe because there hasn&#8217;t been romantic love in my life as of yet that shows me who I am in their eyes. Maybe it&#8217;s that even though I am outgoing, I am private with <strong>who I REALLY am.</strong> I have to be able to be patient and show myself with trust that someone wants to know me. Maybe, just maybe, it&#8217;s time to let go of the whys and continue to listen to myself more and express myself in artistic or other noble ways. Not seeking, not craving, just being.<br />
I am friendly. I care about others. I am not more deformed than most. LOL I don&#8217;t think I have to be more obnoxious to be noticed! The performer in me disagrees loudly. I have tried that in the past; it doesn&#8217;t work and really, if anything, it annoys people. Not my intention except when I am actually looking to be silly or funny. I have to remember to be me. Sometimes I am quiet, reflective, funny, emotional, silly, loud, affectionate, and outrageous among other things. I guess this post is about loving myself enough not to push who I am onto others but also to build people into my life who want to know who I am, even when I have trouble talking about myself. Having a strong faith that when the time is right, as romance is concerned, the special someone for me will notice me and those words that I heard long ago will be made real. Oh Yeah!<br />
Love and Hugs,<br />
Jen</p>
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		<item>
		<title>Cha-cha changes and the Many Faces of Jen in Grey.</title>
		<link>http://spiritualendeavor.com/2008/08/cha-cha-changes-and-the-many-faces-of-jen-in-grey/</link>
		<comments>http://spiritualendeavor.com/2008/08/cha-cha-changes-and-the-many-faces-of-jen-in-grey/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 26 Aug 2008 20:37:33 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Jennifer</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Agape]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Inspiration]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Life: The game]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Living Abundantly]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Metaphysics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Soul lesson]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://spiritualendeavor.com/?p=104</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[It&#8217;s amazing how time flies. I remember when I was in high school wanting to marry my then love and have like 6 kids, I saw the world as very black and white. Then I grew older, and slightly more grey etched into my view when more and more people (including me, much to my [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<div id="attachment_139" class="wp-caption alignleft" style="width: 310px"><img class="size-medium wp-image-139" title="653076380_9359451276_thiophene_guy" src="http://spiritualendeavor.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/653076380_9359451276_thiophene_guy-300x198.jpg" alt="Black and White to Color by Thiophene_Guy" width="300" height="198" /><p class="wp-caption-text">Black and White to Color by Thiophene_Guy</p></div>
<p>It&#8217;s amazing how time flies. I remember when I was in high school wanting to marry my then love and have like 6 kids, I saw the world as very black and white. Then I grew older, and slightly more grey etched into my view when more and more people (including me, much to my dismay) made choices that weren&#8217;t so moral or ethical in contrast to my past viewpoint. My spiritual philosophies have changed and grown ever more expansive in hopes to be less judgmental of others and myself. Deleting dogma and trying to stay in the present moment were apart of those changes. As I get even older and more experiences fill my life, I realize that I am, at once, not one thing all the time. I am a hypocrite. I am righteous. I am judgmental. I am obnoxious. I am loving. I am affectionate. I am a jokester. I am serious. I am sensitive. I over think and don&#8217;t think at all. I can get upset quickly and get over things quickly. I am friend and foe. I mumble. I sometimes talk with eloquence and sometimes sound like an idiot. I humiliate myself constantly when it comes to giving too much info about how I am feeling or thinking. My friends say, <em>Here </em>is the line and <em>here </em>is Jen Heart. Knowing that I have crossed the line yet again, I am comic relief for my perversions or outlandish speech. I am glad I am an idealist even if life circumstances or situations aren&#8217;t ideal. I am a good person with some bad tossed in for flavor. Some days I do way better than others. I try (Yoda says there is no try) to make choices in my life that won&#8217;t hurt others or myself. I sometimes do hurt people without intention. I am grayer still; it&#8217;s better than being 100% black in my thinking.</p>
<p>In the blink of a moment life can change. I meet someone and sparks fly and fire licks up and down my whole body. I meet really great people who end up in the friend zone within 30 seconds. Best friends for years leave when challenged to take sides, such as when we are reminders of old times after a divorce. I left relationships that were <em>my everything,</em> even when there was so much history, love, and friendship. Leaving due to feeling invalidated, and feeling like I never had a voice. The older I get, the more I know that major life events change dynamics, and sometimes just time changes things. New friends can come into my life and eventually either become totally enmeshed in my world or fade out.</p>
<p>A friend who knew me when I was greener about life (when I was about 16 to 23) by fate and opportunity contacted me again. It&#8217;s amazing how different and similar we both are to the people we were oh so long ago. My friend-who-knew-me-when started to inch back after my mom&#8217;s passing. She loved my mom and Mom always loved her. I can&#8217;t believe it&#8217;s been 3 years since my mom&#8217;s stroke. I know sometimes I express more of a dark view of my mom. I saw the sides she never showed to the outside and being a caregiver to her there is still some charge of not being cared for in the way I needed or wanted. Even for all the yucky stuff, I know my mom was an awesome, spectacularly strong, inventive, intelligent, sweet and loving woman. She was so generous in giving appreciation or wanting people to smile that she would give gifts to even the cashier at the grocery store. My mom made a lasting impression on people even if she met them for just 5 minutes. After her passing, I had the duty of contacting her business contacts or people she would chat with on the Internet. My mom was a mix of a social hermit. I get that from her, I assume. Where is my hole to hide but first I must dance with my comrades. Ha-Ha! Mom&#8217;s social network were the people she would sell to, help out, or give away things to on the Internet. So many of her Net friends showed so much love and told me how much she touched them. Those e-mails reminded me that she wasn&#8217;t the completely horrible person or parent I made her out to be. Less grey even still, I grow. Soon life will be all white by the time I am dead and gone.</p>
<p>Mom taught me so many things about people, how to see people in their brightest light even when they weren&#8217;t showing it at the moment. She taught me how to change my thinking and see the situation change when all I did was think about it from a different often positive or learning perspective. The black and white of her was that she was not always mentally available or financially stable for me. I was a great love in her life, as was my brother, but many times when I was expressing an emotion or myself in a way she didn&#8217;t want me to be she&#8217;d tune me out, literally. The grey in all my negative circumstances is that I got so much from her by her not being the perfect parent. I gained strength, knowledge, and the ability to love the imperfect, among so much more. The hardest part is throwing that unconditional love my own way or even at those whom I judge harshly for things that I may do under the right &#8220;lighting&#8221; or &#8220;motive.&#8221;</p>
<p>I never talk about it but I feel it&#8217;s important for others to know that it&#8217;s OK to ask how I am doing when it comes to Mom&#8217;s death. I know people don&#8217;t know what to say. Don&#8217;t want to bring it up for fear of making me upset. I know everyone is different and deals with death in a very personal way. I still don&#8217;t know what to say to other people when they lose someone dear. The times of thinking about Mom grow in longer stretches but I still am sad that she won&#8217;t be here when I am in a relationship with the love of my life, see me get married, or even have babies. I am so happy she got to dance with my brother at his wedding. I am happy that she got to live with me (even though it was brutal and nearly killed me) and she got to live with Billy and Lisa. We all had the chance to see the best and the worst of her to the bitter end. I know I am blessed to have had her be my teacher, my mother, and friend.</p>
<p>After all these years I can see I am different but similar. I still want to marry but have reduced the number of kids in my mind down to two. Realism of cost and actual time to devote to my kids; I want to give everything I never had. Those things like quality time, validation, listening to who they are and what their needs/feelings entail, resources, and security to name but a few. I know I already love them more than the moon and the stars. I can&#8217;t see them but I know they are waiting for me to get my act together. Ha-ha! Whenever that may be. I want to give them everything so they can be the best people they are meant to be. I want to devote my life to those I love, my friends, my lovers, and my passions in poetry, song, and pure creation. I want to be better than I am now but be OK and love myself even if I am not perfect. I want to show that life is better in the grey. It might not be easier but better, that I can attest to.</p>
<p>We are ever changing; who we are, our lives, and obviously our world is changing so quickly we sometimes can hardly breathe. I want to breathe more but I also want my breath taken away more. Here&#8217;s to the grey and all the colors that make life so not boring and far more complicated and exciting than I ever could have imagined.</p>
<p>Love and Hugs,<br />
Jen</p>
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		</item>
		<item>
		<title>Self-Preservation and the Art of Vulnerability</title>
		<link>http://spiritualendeavor.com/2008/08/self-preservation-and-the-art-of-vulnerability/</link>
		<comments>http://spiritualendeavor.com/2008/08/self-preservation-and-the-art-of-vulnerability/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sun, 24 Aug 2008 19:10:47 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Jennifer</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Agape]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Life: The game]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Living Abundantly]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Soul lesson]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://spiritualendeavor.com/?p=103</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[
Most of us have the instinct of fight or flight. We come with a built-in system. If things aren’t feeling too good, we want to run away in case some tiger will eat us. When it comes to human relationships, this instinct comes out when we are in a super state of joy, insecurity, anger, [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;">
<div id="attachment_142" class="wp-caption alignleft" style="width: 310px"><img class="size-medium wp-image-142" title="12701846_2d6a0d7e8b_steve-a" src="http://spiritualendeavor.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/12701846_2d6a0d7e8b_steve-a-300x213.jpg" alt="Goo by Steve A" width="300" height="213" /><p class="wp-caption-text">Goo by Steve A</p></div>
<p>Most of us have the instinct of fight or flight. We come with a built-in system. If things aren’t feeling too good, we want to run away in case some tiger will eat us. When it comes to human relationships, this instinct comes out when we are in a super state of joy, insecurity, anger, wounding, or knowing that it’s time to get out of a situation for true happiness isn’t there. Within this delicate place where emotions can run amuck and without protective gear, we may be hit by flying emotional goo. There is a place where true intimacy and vulnerability can thrive. This place of opening up to others at risk of being hurt is a necessary evil in order to cross over to the land of true emotional intimacy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>Intimacy takes time because trust, communication, and understanding, as well as chemistry, need to build points of safety but sometimes after years if you don’t have it you may never have it. I know this from old relationships where I would give years over to someone, mind, body, and soul, and it was never reciprocal. I could say I wasted time but we had fun, some laughs, and I had many tears but most importantly I learned through those experiences what I need in a loving relationship.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>What happens if the other party isn’t ready, willing, or able to cross the bridge with you into the rewarding but scary place of connection? Choices are endless—leave, stay, be in limbo forever—but in truth, even though it’s scary, our need to fill our emotional coffer is a package deal with romantic love. Even with true friendship, the exchange of truthful emotional expression is needed for a real relationship to flourish.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>We all know someone (maybe ourselves) who may or may not admit they are looking, waiting, and keeping busy until true love comes in. We all disguise this want because in the 21st century it is noble to be independent and not want others in our lives to enhance breathing on Earth. There are some that may be perfectly content to be emotionally alone. There is nothing wrong with people who don’t want that aspect of living; however, I am not one of them. Like a newborn, I am in constant need of emotional availability from others and myself. Connection is what feeds me and without even a smidgen of it I would surely die. I am not trying to be dramatic but at 31 years old, I know what I need and want.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>Self preservation has its purpose in order to keep ourselves fed and sheltered, but the wall that protects our hearts must come down in order to grow and really feel connection to the people we want in our little worlds. We honor those we love by letting them into how we think, feel, dream, and who we are, warts and all. It is a gift to give them our experience in the way we as individuals see the world. Views can be the same or very different, but it can only be true intimacy if we are authentic and truthful even in spite of our fears.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>I am hopeful that I will have what I desire in intimate relations. I have but a tiny group of people where my wall crashes completely down and they see all the scars, imperfections, and love I have to give. I am hopeful that I will have that in my romantic life someday as well.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>Here is to keeping my heart open for true intimacy with all my relations and not to be fearful of not being loved, being authentic, and most of all being myself.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Love and Hugs,</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: &quot;Trebuchet MS&quot;;"><br />
</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Jen</span></p>
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		<item>
		<title>Giddy over Neil, Amanda, and Past Bringing Me into Present</title>
		<link>http://spiritualendeavor.com/2008/08/giddy-over-neil-amanda-and-past-bringing-me-into-present/</link>
		<comments>http://spiritualendeavor.com/2008/08/giddy-over-neil-amanda-and-past-bringing-me-into-present/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Wed, 13 Aug 2008 03:56:15 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Jennifer</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Just for Fun]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Life: The game]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Metaphysics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Soul lesson]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://spiritualendeavor.com/?p=99</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[
I love how interesting people or people whom I find interesting (which is everyone) get together in magical ways to create or add pizzazz to my day. I am a fan of Neil Gaiman. I was haphazardly introduced to The Sandman when visiting my (ex-boy then friend at RPI) where very cool architecture students would [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><a href="http://spiritualendeavor.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/12909248_9a54e69192_o_bymetaphorge.jpg"><img class="alignnone size-medium wp-image-102" title="12909248_9a54e69192_o_bymetaphorge" src="http://spiritualendeavor.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/12909248_9a54e69192_o_bymetaphorge-226x300.jpg" alt="Photo by Metaphorge" width="226" height="300" /></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>I love how interesting people or people whom I find interesting (which is everyone) get together in magical ways to create or add pizzazz to my day. I am a fan of Neil Gaiman. I was haphazardly introduced to The Sandman when visiting my (ex-boy then friend at RPI) where very cool architecture students would be into so much cool shit. Art, design, music, and sci-fi all forms of awesomeness in creative endeavors.<span> </span>The kind of sci-fi that peaked my interest and wasn’t of the Robert Aspirin or Asimov of my mom’s tastes. One girl, an anomaly at RPI (girls, that is) who my friend’s roommate was dating, talked about The Sandman. I was intrigued and jealous of this college girl even though I am sure I was nearly the same age. I wanted into that artistic coven. Although that portal to my future was not meant to be, I learned much from those artistic fellows through the brief encounters I had with them. Neil was one of them. I follow his blog now to keep up with the old scamp and gain a little creative juice. Check out his journal or </span><a title="Neil Gaiman" href="http://journal.neilgaiman.com/2008/08/eyeless-in-attic.html" target="_blank">website</a>,<span> you’ll be happy that you did. He’s written many things beyond The Sandman, including Batman in various film adaptations and in states of woe.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>My friend Jay, who works at my brother and sister-in-law’s toy store, turned me onto Amanda Palmer. Jay is great at finding music and has good taste. He likes Tool and Tori Amos and, well, he’s tattooed. We could go on about the fine qualities of Jay but we will turn to Amanda, the woman he introduced my brother to from The Dresden Dolls. In turn, because I have idolized my brother to a fault since birth, the music that he imparts my way usually grabs me by the soul and doesn’t let go. The Dolls have a fab drummer, Brian, raw and amazing and, then there is Amanda. Ahahahaahahaha! Amanda. She is coming out solo for the moment on September 16. Helped by the producing stylings of Ben Folds. Awesome!</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>What is even more awesome is that Amanda enjoys a little band named They Might Be Giants. In addition to her admiration of TMBG’s Flood album, Depeche Mode, The Smiths, and others are among many fine bands that cover her </span><a title="Amanda Palmer's myspace" href="  http://www.myspace.com/whokilledamandapalmer " target="_blank">MySpace</a> <span>page.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>Then two great artists meet. Neil and Amanda working on the <em>Who Killed Amanda Palmer </em>book together. Dark, haunting, sexy, and intelligent—adjectives to describe the child of the two, and I will love to look into that book. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>Bringing all of this to the present: one of my good friends, Aaron, blogged today and he referenced another blogger/poet/musician I had never heard of </span> <a title="Saul Williams Digital Home" href="http://www.saulwilliams.com" target="_blank"> Saul Williams</a>.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>I investigate my friend’s reference. I am sure he has mentioned him in conversation before but lost the name and today it is readily available for me to download. My friend’s taste in music is vast and has many layers of overlap with my sensibilities. So I trust his taste immensely. Sure enough, Saul Williams is a brilliant writer and crazy brilliant for collaborating with one of the hottest men and greatest musicians to walk the earth today, Trent Reznor. But that isn’t the coolest part. Today, looking at Amanda Palmer’s MySpace page, I found the Neil Gaiman pic of them on a roof. I looked down at one of her commenting fans, “Eric,” referencing another blog she did about Saul Williams and how she thinks he FUCKING ROCKS! WTF?!!! Really . . . REALLY! Damn this solar eclipse and the universe—it is super trippy with all the emotions, creativity, and change that is going on for me and I am sure many of you.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>All this is very odd, as in July I was bored and looking up stuff to do to meet new people and guys with similar interests who are cool and cute. So anyway, I joined Meet-Up looking for poetry or singing–song writing groups. I have written poetry for forever and had fantasies of being a singer/performer like everybody else and figured meeting like-minded friends would be a good place to open my horizons. I have yet to go to a meeting, mind you. July has been busy.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>Maybe it’s only trippy in my world how things go to together and maybe you can’t see or feel the thread I do. It makes me feel that yeah, the Universe is so freaking <strong>BRILLIANT </strong>and astonishing, how everyone every second of every day isn’t in awe how we get to where we are going by our own choices and by the Universe throwing bombs or mines around us to get us to move in a direction that obviously makes our hearts sing or motivates us to grow and serve others. Art, music, communication are all ways we serve each other.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>I wish I were as intelligent and artistic as all those featured in my post. As of yet I am not, but I am willing to strive for my artistic, intellectual, and spiritual pinnacle so others may be inspired by me or helped or comforted in some way, however it is I am expressing myself at the time. I enjoy writing, poetry, song, dance, talking, feeling, living, and laughing. I would love to paint myself on canvas literally but need a tarp and safe body paint to do it properly in my bedroom. But until I get naked and paint . . .</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>Today is just a day when I am in awe of my friends in the world who spark things inside of me, and in sharing my cherubs with you, I hope sparks fly out of you, too!</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>See your own amazing thread and see where it takes you! Please share!</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>Love and Hugs,</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>Jen</span></p>
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		<title>Astrology-Mapping of Our Past, Present, and Future</title>
		<link>http://spiritualendeavor.com/2008/07/astrology-mapping-of-our-past-present-and-future/</link>
		<comments>http://spiritualendeavor.com/2008/07/astrology-mapping-of-our-past-present-and-future/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 29 Jul 2008 18:03:49 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Jennifer</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Life: The game]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Soul lesson]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[astro]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[cafe astrology]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jennifer Bingham Heart Natal Chart]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://spiritualendeavor.com/?p=92</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[
How do the stars affect our present life? Well, in simplified terms there are certain sparks, interests, life goals, as well inclinations on talents, things to grow and learn from to be gleaned from reading your natal chart. By studying a chart similar to mine, you can see where someone’s focus lies based on positions [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><a href="http://spiritualendeavor.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/astro_w2gw_01_jennifer_bingham_heart_hp6344219222.gif"><img class="alignnone size-full wp-image-93" title="astro_w2gw_01_jennifer_bingham_heart_hp6344219222" src="http://spiritualendeavor.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/astro_w2gw_01_jennifer_bingham_heart_hp6344219222.gif" alt="My Astrology Chart" width="500" height="351" /></a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>How do the stars affect our present life? Well, in simplified terms there are certain sparks, interests, life goals, as well inclinations on talents, things to grow and learn from to be gleaned from reading your natal chart. By studying a chart similar to mine, you can see where someone’s focus lies based on positions of planets within certain houses and such. Some people think astrology is some BS that just prevents people from taking charge of their own lives. I think if you know yourself better, then you can make better choices in your own life. One way to get to know yourself better is your astrological chart.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>I am not talking about the horoscopes in a newspaper or magazine, as they just correlate a person’s sun sign and at best a few key items that affect the majority in that sign. A natal chart shows the true complexities of a person. The chart can show possible wishes, desires, past karma, and aptitudes. I know many people who do not fit their sun sign’s descriptive qualities, hence the daily horoscope in your paper may not be the best basis for decisions in your life.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>A great place to check your own chart for free is </span><a title="Astro.com" href="http://www.astro.com" target="_blank">Astro.com</a>.<span> You can also, if you know someone else’s birth information, find out about close compatriots in your life. To learn even more about the details of astrology houses, planets, and all you can check out </span><a title="Cafe Astrology" href="http:///www.cafeastrology.com" target="_blank">CafeAstrology.com</a>.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>Love and Hugs,</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Jen</span></p>
]]></content:encoded>
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		<title>Judgment while Making Fiends, Plus a Video</title>
		<link>http://spiritualendeavor.com/2008/06/judgment-while-making-fiends-plus-a-video/</link>
		<comments>http://spiritualendeavor.com/2008/06/judgment-while-making-fiends-plus-a-video/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 20 Jun 2008 03:27:39 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Jennifer</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Agape]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Inspiration]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Life: The game]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Living Abundantly]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Metaphysics]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Soul lesson]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Work]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[aw of Attraction]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Everybody is somebody]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[fiends]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[friends]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[God]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[God-Stuff]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[horoscope]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jesus]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[judgements]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[karma]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[negative works]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Philosophy]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Rosary]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[short plaid skirts]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Soulgarden.tv]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://spiritualendeavor.com/?p=83</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[Aries &#8211; Monday &#8211; 6/16/2008 &#8211; Soul Horoscopes
Coming back to life after a power struggle within myself. Looks like things are on the upswing as my mood is back to enthusiastic levels again. I find life with its ebbs and flows reminds me about my personal philosophies in addition to A: a horoscope and B: [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YB4JVLyIDM&amp;feature=channel_page">Aries &#8211; Monday &#8211; 6/16/2008 &#8211; Soul Horoscopes</a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;">Coming back to life after a power struggle within myself. Looks like things are on the upswing as my mood is back to enthusiastic levels again. I find life with its ebbs and flows reminds me about my personal philosophies in addition to <strong>A: </strong>a horoscope and <strong>B:</strong> a stranger’s judgment.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;">Truth is always stranger than fiction and this week I was told I will be tested on my spiritual or life philosophy and realizing that I have my own magic to make and it’s OK if no one believes in my magic as long as God and I are on the same page.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;">A recap for all those not keeping score: I once was a Catholic girl, not too many short plaid skirts in my closet now although I have a nice Rosary collection. I believe God exists but not the way that is most traditional. I believe that Jesus lived on Earth and was a Highly Evolved Spirit that came to teach us. However, I do not think God started and stopped talking when Jesus came. I think we needed Jesus but if the message wasn’t clear from Him, there are many teachers out there spreading a similar if not the same message dressed up all fancy.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;">I think all, even people who are “evil,” have God-stuff in them or are of God-stuff but for various reasons unknowable to all of us they do negative works. (Beyond the surface ego stuff like they need money, are greedy, angry, blah blah blah.) I believe that the Universe is governed by many laws; some of them are Attraction, Paradoxical Intent, Karma, and many more. I also believe that with faith, hard work, and positive thinking, you can be and do whatever you want. I think what you may want depends on your purpose on Earth and not everybody needs to be a rock star in order to be somebody. I think everybody is <em>Somebody</em> for the uniqueness they bring into the world or else they wouldn’t be in this tapestry we call life.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;">I had a phone interview this week, which brought a very unusual situation to speak my mind when asked about my philosophies. It’s strange that if I don’t follow the same code of life or how God works, the way I see it I lose out on an opportunity because they decided they didn’t want me thinking differently. I have no hard feelings, as it was God’s test for me. I know a brighter future is out there for me. The silly part about the situation is that I am like the spiritual U.N. I try not to judge and enjoy people for who they are, especially if they are different from me. I hang out with atheists who are wonderful, intelligent, good, ethical people. I also hang out with very cool, down-to-earth Born Again-ers, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Agnostics, Christians, Episcopalians, Catholics, or general non-affiliates. Now working with super-negative people takes its toll on me, but wherever I am meant to serve I will go. If I need a spiritual cleanse I know what to do now.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;">To me everyone is on Earth for his or her purpose and usually even unconsciously we are all connected to someone else’s purpose. We are never separate from each other. Authors need readers, musicians need listeners, products need buyers, lovers need lovers, friends need friends, we need trees and trees need us. Happy Tree Hugger, aren’t I!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;">If bad things happen, I can guarantee that the pendulum will swing and good will come back stronger. Now the good that comes back may not be seen by all at the time, but eventually down the road, like 20/20 vision, most will see the good that comes out of a negative situation. Choices, decisions, or circumstances affect all things. We must make an effort to trust the process like a mama bird trusts that her baby will fly as she pushes her baby out of the nest. Trusting that the Universe/God will have your back is good for your mental health. To think one is condemned, for example: what would give anyone the recourse to change their life if all there was was a dead end and pitchforks?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;">Judgment for all the bad in the world is not my job. That is for the Prime Mover to know. To me God knows all the details and the reasons, whys, and hows, and has <span style="color: #ff0000;"><strong>UNCONDITIONAL LOVE</strong></span> for all of it. I believe there is a purpose for the “negative” in the world as well. It’s our job to listen to our intuition and use the spark within us to do good works, and ask for guidance to help the world and its issues. My job is to do the very best to not be a part of the problem without becoming closed off from the world. My job as well is to add joy and love to the planet. Jesus hung out with the people most people don’t want to hang out with because He loved them just the same! I like that and strive to love everyone the same, especially when they seek to harm others or me.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;">I am sure, since I was hung up on, that I made a fiend instead of a friend and only hope that said stranger reduces judging others, lest ye be judged. I am like <a title="Making Fiends" href="http://www.makingfiends.com/" target="_blank">Charlotte</a>,  I think everyone is a friend in my heart even if they do not feel the same for me.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;">Love and Hugs,</p>
<p>Jen</p>
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		<title>My Week of Unexpected Humility</title>
		<link>http://spiritualendeavor.com/2008/06/my-week-of-unexpected-humility/</link>
		<comments>http://spiritualendeavor.com/2008/06/my-week-of-unexpected-humility/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Sat, 14 Jun 2008 00:55:17 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Jennifer</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Agape]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Inspiration]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Living Abundantly]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Soul lesson]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[blessings]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[candles]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[car sale]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[creative endeavors]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[East Coast storm]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[faith]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[forgiveness]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[hope]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Jersey City]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[knocks out power]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Left to Tell]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Positive Thinking]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[prayer]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[reading]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://spiritualendeavor.com/?p=81</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[
This week has been very interesting and humbling. I am still looking for work, income, or a way to make money from my poetry or creative endeavors. Sold my car to a very wonderful family in Jersey City. I even hope to continue a friendship with these very interesting people. Got great tips about traveling [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><a href="http://spiritualendeavor.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/1148346082_d7b3de6a71_by_phatman.jpg"></p>
<div id="attachment_82" class="wp-caption alignleft" style="width: 475px"></a><a><img class="size-full wp-image-82" title="1148346082_d7b3de6a71_by_phatman" src="http://spiritualendeavor.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/1148346082_d7b3de6a71_by_phatman.jpg" alt="Lightning on the Columbia River by phatman" width="465" height="500" /></a><p class="wp-caption-text">Lightning on the Columbia River by phatman</p></div>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>This week has been very interesting and humbling. I am still looking for work, income, or a way to make money from my poetry or creative endeavors. Sold my car to a very wonderful family in Jersey City. I even hope to continue a friendship with these very interesting people. Got great tips about traveling to India and Japan from my Hyundai’s new adopted family.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>Tuesday evening my roommate Jeanette and I had a major storm and lost power for about 3 days. We had some food spoilage but overall we fared well. Candlelight and peace from the computer was nice. Heat was something to contend with but really nothing tragic in the grand scheme of things. Friends offered help and/or words of encouragement. Finished 2 books and almost done my 3rd one.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>My humility comes from asking for help from many sources including God. Not that I was asking God to save my hot dogs but for me to find my own peace about my current life challenges. Many things happen to many people, including financial worry and lack of electricity. I still can’t say enough about the book that I raved about in my last post, </span><a title="Left to Tell by Immaculee Illibagiza" href="http://www.lefttotell.com" target="_blank">Left To Tell.</a> <span> It reminds me of prayer and gratitude, the genocide that is happening now in Darfur, and awakening to my own American entitlement and spoiled nature. I used to think because of my past that I was humble. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I was and still am blessed beyond measure to live in the U.S. even with its faults. I am blessed that my cross(es) that I bear have been to say the least minimal or blown out of sorts by my own negative thinking or lack of self-confidence. Positive thinking and faith are keys to success, my friends. I am also in awe this week of those who really do have strong faith and an ability to forgive and love freely at all costs or all rewards depending on your perspective.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>I pray this feeling of humility and personal/spiritual power continues.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>I would love it if you would speak about your own blessings in your life. Please share! I love to hear good news!</span></p>
<p>Hugs,<br />
Jen</p>
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		<title>Forgiveness, Psst . . . It’s Not for Them</title>
		<link>http://spiritualendeavor.com/2008/05/forgiveness-psstits-not-for-them/</link>
		<comments>http://spiritualendeavor.com/2008/05/forgiveness-psstits-not-for-them/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 09 May 2008 00:19:05 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Jennifer</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Agape]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Inspiration]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Soul lesson]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Spirit lesson]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[be good to yourself]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[betrayed]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[blah]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[childhood wounds]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[forgive]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[forgiveness]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[God]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[grace]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[hurt]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Love yourself]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[spirit]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[uncared for]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Universe]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[unloved]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[victim]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[violators]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[wounds]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://spiritualendeavor.com/?p=64</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[
We all have raised boo-boos when it comes to forgiveness. We have felt hurt, betrayed, unloved, uncared for—blah, blah, blah. Really we all have wounds; some seem deeper than others, some are made deeper by the whining about them. Through time and counseling we can still hold on to the anger, sadness, and victim mentality; [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span></p>
<div id="attachment_177" class="wp-caption alignnone" style="width: 245px"><img class="size-medium wp-image-177" title="2264407410_d2e74625b2_ashleyadcox" src="http://spiritualendeavor.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/2264407410_d2e74625b2_ashleyadcox-235x300.jpg" alt="Old Scars, New Wounds: by ashley.adcox" width="235" height="300" /><p class="wp-caption-text">Old Scars, New Wounds: by ashley.adcox</p></div>
<p>We all have raised boo-boos when it comes to forgiveness. We have felt hurt, betrayed, unloved, uncared for—blah, blah, blah. Really we all have wounds; some seem deeper than others, some are made deeper by the whining about them. Through time and counseling we can still hold on to the anger, sadness, and victim mentality; the feeling that they don’t deserve to get off the hook for the “incident.” I have to say for myself that even though the feeling has lessened over the years, there are people I worked for that hold a dark place in my heart. I guess this doesn’t show me being a beacon of Spirit and Light. LOL At least I am consciously trying to give up my entitlement to old ghosts of those experiences or of childhood. Always with the childhood. Hahah.</span>
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<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>We all know the power of forgiveness. It is something that can lift a trunk full of stones and rocks from our backs. How do we get there? Sheesh, damn if I know. LOL I think there is a time when that trunk no longer matches the other luggage you are carrying and you are ready to cast it off. Sometimes it takes time but usually an acceptance and forward movement is needed for forgiveness to take hold. Sometimes it’s simply being OK that your plans weren’t as good as God/Universe’s plan is for you. Even though the journey may be rough and bumpy, where you are going is far more enjoyable. There were many men I put stock in who were clearly not for me but I purchased the ticket anyway. That journey got me here. Jobs that suck out your soul but for a purpose you may or may not later discover. The process of letting go of the pain or anger is as hard as giving up a favorite menu item. It’s a comforting friend, solace in knowing the devil you know verses the one that may or may not be around the corner.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>The letting go may take many steps like screaming, raging, crying, numbness, need for validation, a pulpit that says you were wronged! At some point there is a time when these rocks get too heavy and you don’t want them anymore. That is the time when release and forgiveness can come in. Prayer, meditation, writing, drawing are all great but you need to make room in the heart and mind to let Grace, Peace, and Unconditional Love to move in. That spot in your heart where that “incident” happened just needs a smidgen of God’s good stuff to get in and clean the crevices like the Merry Maid service does. At a price that is just right!</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 3.5pt 5pt 0in; line-height: 19.2pt;"><span>Life is ongoing. There will be many more events, people, things to forgive and hopefully be forgiven for. I am ready to move on and make space for more of the good. Forgiveness is never about them, the so-called violators. It’s about giving ourselves freedom, letting the Universe take care of the residual karma. We can’t see the whole picture but the Universe can. No justifications needed. Not forgiving hurts us way more than it hurts others. Be good to yourself. You deserve it!</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: &quot;Times New Roman&quot;;">Hugs,<br />
Jen</span></p>
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		<title>Disapointment: My own best torture device</title>
		<link>http://spiritualendeavor.com/2008/04/disapointment-my-own-best-torture-device/</link>
		<comments>http://spiritualendeavor.com/2008/04/disapointment-my-own-best-torture-device/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 24 Apr 2008 05:42:46 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Jennifer</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Life: The game]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Living Abundantly]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Soul lesson]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Spirit lesson]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[Transformation]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[adverstity]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[challenges]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[disapointment]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[expectations]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[guys]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[job]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[kicking myself]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[life]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[personal best]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[self confidence]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[self esteem]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[torture]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[waves]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[what do I care about]]></category>

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		<description><![CDATA[Disappointment has been one of my soul lessons and personal challenges. In the past, disappointment and feelings that I chose to feel from such experiences lead to massive pain,  stalemate and  a massive case of victim mentality. Growing up I was a hippy child in a sense; no rules, no challenges to be [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><a href="http://spiritualendeavor.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/1338222146_by-weegeebored.jpg"><img class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-59" title="1338222146_by-weegeebored" src="http://spiritualendeavor.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/1338222146_by-weegeebored-150x150.jpg" alt="The look of pure disapointment" width="150" height="150" /></a>Disappointment has been one of my soul lessons and personal challenges. In the past, disappointment and feelings that I chose to feel from such experiences lead to massive pain,  stalemate and  a massive case of victim mentality. Growing up I was a hippy child in a sense; no rules, no challenges to be a good student and not so much as a go brush your teeth before bed. My Mom taught me about the greats, Joe Jackson, Issac Asimov and various spiritualities. Discipline and stick to-it-ness wasn&#8217;t in her teaching tool kit. I was not babied but I was hugged a lot. <img src='http://spiritualendeavor.com/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_wink.gif' alt=';)' class='wp-smiley' />  Not sure if my brother would agree on the non babied assessment. <img src='http://spiritualendeavor.com/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_smile.gif' alt=':)' class='wp-smiley' />  I never had my hand held including times when I wish there had been many hands of support, encouragement and kicking my butt. Choir concerts and sexual harassment at school are two examples. So disappointment was a early theme that made my rose colored glasses a bit  muddy in coloring.</p>
<p>We all know everyone suffers setbacks, walls that seem to hold you back and even just feathers that seem like walls. When reaching that feather wall you can be so frustrated you don&#8217;t realize how easy it is to move the feather to reach your potential. My pattern was to run away from disappointment. Man I was like the roadrunner when it comes to running away but eventually the feeling of lack of worthiness would creep in and boy did it tackle me. Whining to my Mom or anyone who would listen and even that grew tiring. Sometimes disappointment would cripple me so bad that I really couldn&#8217;t see the way to change the situation. Life tends to move forward and I would ask, where is the next hurdle?</p>
<p>I know that the lessons weren&#8217;t really about not getting the guy, the job, or the fact I wished life was different; it was me wanting me to be different. I thank disappointment, as it taught me not to give up on myself. That took oh many many years people! I am sure I will be attacked by the Disappointment Bear now and again. Although I will hug him now as he isn&#8217;t as scary as he once was. LOL Avoiding disappointment is like avoiding your face. Eventually you have to look at it to be ok with it. I also think disappointment is a great marker for what you care about. How would you know if you always got everything you ever wanted easily? To me that would be like a place without growth. I know the experience also teaches me whether or not I want something bad enough. In the past I didn&#8217;t have my inner cheerleader standing by to say <span style="font-weight: bold;">You can do it!</span> Or <span style="font-weight: bold;">Why not try you&#8217;ll be no worse for ware</span>. Self assurance is a quality everyone needs to learn. I still like a friend/family cheerleader now an again but now know I will go for my goals, aspirations, and the guy even if I fall on my face a few times. Thank goodness for plastic surgery. (Kidding!)</p>
<p>Personal expectations tend to high when you have a disappointing feeling in your midst. Expectations will be another future post. <img src='http://spiritualendeavor.com/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_wink.gif' alt=';)' class='wp-smiley' /> </p>
<p>I hope there is a sense of ease now when you are hit with setbacks and roadblocks. As always life loves to see how we fare under conditions of variety. I would love to hear your stories and how you have overcome or been shaken but not stirred. Any perspective on riding the waves of life would excellent, as I think we can all learn from one another.</p>
<p>Love and Hugs,<br />
Jen</p>
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