Spiritual Endeavor

I am an over thinker, not necessarily worrier but I think till the cows, chickens and horses come home. Habitually not always with constructive thoughts. I am also an emotional absorber, an intuitive and generally emotional. I cry at movies, puppies being hurt and cry when I empathize which is all to often. I am also stoic at times as if to protect myself from feeling. For example when I am problem solving, or if I have to much on my plate as if I can’t be concerned with emotions when I need to pay my rent. I will let off steam by crying but or getting angry at myself or an object. Damn you chair, I kill you! LOL I was speaking to a friend recently and it hit me that I still have stuff that I need to deal with. LOL A shocker right?!! I am still human and breathing. LOL Sometimes its easy to forget to check in with myself and ask how am I doing, are those feelings my feelings or are they someone else’s, can I do better next time without the negative self talk?

How do I not go crazy? Sometimes I let the crazy out. I will drive around in my car and scream. Sometimes I dance out my issues or just give myself ME time to cry, think, or just BE! That can be challenging with life and people in it drawing attention away from myself. It is so hard for someone like myself who thrive when people need me. I know it is never selfish to take ME time. Without it one can continue to be lost within themselves and then happiness is always elusive.

Happy Birthday to ME!

On the eve of my 31st birthday I am happy with how far I have come as a human, mistakes and all. I know I have many things I want to do and become and why not start some of them this year. I know for sure my 2008 will include more ME time for myself, even if it’s 10 minutes more a day. Nothing so drastic as everyone in my phone will be deleted. (Sorry friends I will see you when I am done with ME time.) LOL By making my needs important and tuning into my higher self and my ego self so I can give more of who I really am to my loved ones and to life as a whole.

Much love and hugs,

Jen

Very few things scare me, however, last night a guy in my neighborhood was screaming and shooting off about 5 rounds. I pray into the air, but I am not sure. My oh smart roommate, went to the window to see the commotion. That is not the time to be curious. I didn’t go into panic mode but getting her away from windows and making sure our door was locked was a priority. Calling the police was next. It got me thinking and praying about where we are in the world today. Here are some stats via the Department of Justice on gun violence.

In what world does anger justify fire arms? If I was a mother and harm came to my child would that justify it? If I was beaten and abused? If I was protecting myself from an assailant? It’s a strange world we live in where it’s almost common place when gun shots are outside your house and you can go on about your day as if nothing happened. It’s sad. It is difficult when you don’t have control of other people’s harmful behavior. I think it is my job to try my darnedest to be as “God like” as possible. I only have control over my own actions, thoughts and emotions after all. What I put out in the world I get back. It sure isn’t easy when some driver is pissing me off to stay cool and not say the automatic, curse the idiot. I guess the experiment in life is to try to give love and good energy out and when something not so “good” happens try to turn that around in ones mind to find the humor or hope. Not repeating the negative behavior in small and large ways would be good as well. Hope is important to have especially in times that are challenging like these. There is proof there is good in the world and even if there are people who aren’t conscious or thoughtful of others there are many more who are. I am Pollyanna and naive at times, but it’ my hope that we as humans will evolve where violence isn’t as causal as it seems today.

Sending loving kindness to all who have felt negative violent acts in large and small ways today.

Namaste, Love, and Hugs,

Jen

My aha moments sometimes come after a long study, an obsession of topic. This week has been no exception. Maybe in Sept or Oct a friend recommended the book, The 4-Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss. I took the book out of the library. I like the 3 week deadline sometimes. I read it, it was good, very good. It was easy to understand. The guy behind the book seemed interesting but at that time the information decided to leave my brain. Moving again and all that entails and my own self (fear) stopped me from moving on any of the tips suggested. I am known to do a few nonsensical things and this, among many, was be one of them. This month I was loading up my Google Reader found Tim’s Blog. I started to be rekindled by the information in his blog and others in the lifehacker family. I also in a magical way also acquired a crush on Tim. I am generally haven’t been attracted to blond men but his devilish grin, great smile and intellect makes Tim uber attractive. I have been obsessing by finding all media, pictures and reading as much about him and his ideas as possible. Although in his book, Tim references how to find anyone you want to speak with in various ways, I myself am not going that route. I am chicken (Bahak, bad imitation of a chicken.) I am a little late for a bet he had with one of his friends that he couldn’t outsource dating. I think he finished his experiment 20 dates happier and proved his friend wrong. I think the scenario is like hiring an Indian or Malaysian Yenta. I am hopeful to meet him in 2008 but above all I want to thank Tim for his inspiration helping me find joy in the things I do with my time. The type of life we live, laughter with friends, personal adventures to grow and/or explore, and doing stuff you love at its core is what Tim’s ideals are about. Why do many of us put off what we enjoy or might enjoy in the hopes of experiencing it later in life. Especially and possibly when a whole lot of your juice or spark for living has dwindled. The fire still needs fuel people! Check out his book and don’t go stealing my man unless you are as awesome as he is.
Here is an amazing short film by Mark Osborne that portrays the fear I have about letting my spark die. It is a beautiful 8 minutes that has made me shed a tear and has inspired me as well.

Love and Hugs

Jen

I have struggled with my weight from the time I was in 5th or 6th grade. I guess I was 11 or 12 as puberty was rearing its ugly head. I noticed I had a problem in 6th grade. During much of my childhood there was a lot of instability, countless moves, poverty and a short time being homeless. When me and my Mom landed where my 20 year old brother was living I learned to cope with the constant changes with food. I would tell myself that I could eat a whole bag of BBQ potato chips without gaining weight. Needless to say I was lying to myself. As I got older I never really put together the idea that I was eating for comfort, to satiate stability, to push down pain, anger, or sadness. It is amazing when you aren’t being truthful to yourself how much can slip away from you in your life. In high school, after I met some very active older friends I lost quite a lot of weight. I became thinner and maybe a tad healthier however MickyD’s after a night of dancing doesn’t seem healthy now! LOL

I have made excuses and with not dealing with myself and my emotions from the past I still continue to struggle with getting to a healthy state of being in mind and body. I am doing better in the mental health department but the body, old patterns and making the final decision to be healthy is still an on going process. I am a work in progress that is for sure! I found a blog today that was inspiring to me. It is called Secrets of a Former Fat Girl.

It is about a real woman who lost 70lbs and kept it off for more than 20 years. She realized it wasn’t just about what she ate or how much she exercised, even though that was a huge part. It was about breaking through fear of change, getting out of her comfort zone, changing emotional habits and recognizing the healing she needed to do within herself.

To me this is true spiritual growth, being able to move out of ones comfort zone into healing of personal fears, judgments and behaviors. I urge anyone who feels unhealthy in body to check out her blog and to check in with yourself to see how you deal with your emotions. It could be any way you self medicate-cigarettes, food, drugs, alcohol, starvation and many others. We all can learn to love ourselves more by being more thoughtful on why we do what we do and learning to take baby steps towards any goal we chose.

I wish you all love, success and support in all the areas of your life.

Love and Hugs,

Jennifer