Rubber Ducky Your the One!

Hey Ya’ll I have been busy with a wonderful life  changes and my  self care and my blog take a back seat for a hot minute.

Some life changes: Have been unemployed for way too long. Soon to be a school girl again.  Another change was meeting and then moving in with my wonderful man Joe that came into my life. The growth and changes have been fast, furious and life giving. Focus has been primarily on my relationship and myself care has been on the back burner. Bless my man, he encourages me to take a bath or to take care of myself.  Sometimes I am so filled with anxiety to stop and just Be sometimes but know it’s very important for myself as well as my relationship. I am finally taking heed and getting back to the whole me!

I am slowly learning self care. I have always known the value of self care even if not always practiced. Old habits I tend to fall back on like helping others before myself. Habits of ok I’ll drop everything for “you” and forget what I had planned. Or not planning enough “me” time activities or just fun which sometimes I forget to have cause I take life too seriously at times.

Here is what I am finally doing to honor and value myself:

Working Out and Eating Better- I really I feel awesome AFTER I get of the treadmill for a half hour. Getting there even though it is steps from work can be a challenge after a busy day but find it calms and distresses me. The food of which I am making a conscious effort to put more organic or living food in my body as well as taking my vitamins really has an effect on how my brain and stress levels are. Not that I don’t have goodies like chocolate cake or a nice raspberry beer but am now really understand the words -treat and moderation.

Quiet Time- Away from the addictive  Internets, TV, radio, or even books. Distractions are good but not when the inner self wants time to give you ideas, to solve problems or just relax and chill from the busyness of the world.

Writing- Journal writing and poetry are some of my mental outlets that help me listen to my inner self.

Reading with Action-Not just reading but putting into practice the ideas that speak truth to me as well as getting me off the know-it-all-horse and humbly move forward in action to change my life.

Bath Time-taking a hot bath just for myself nothing but the bubbles to keep me company, ok ducky you can come too but no splashing.

Taking Up New Hobbies-Knitting: I always admired others art with the duel needle and now slowly and surely am getting the hang of it.

Learning  Clarity-Taking time to be quiet and really getting clear about what I really really really want out of life. Taking away the scattered things on my list in my head and owning one thing at a time.

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New blog mission: This blog will be a place where people can get fresh content, ideas, suggestions and reviews for self improvement and self acceptance in all areas of life. Becoming, Being and Beyond! I hope with the new changes and my new commitment to the blog I hope my regular readers will get more out of it’s content, as well as, attract new readers to  join the journey with ideas, suggestions, and community.

Love and Hugs,

Jen

Pretty In Pink!

Finding myself again is an interesting process. Self/Personality/Intimate nature has been either locked away or hidden by fear of past pain or what it I lose something if I speak my truth. I am taking the rewarding approach by not condemning myself for my self imposed prison or self inflection of “I should have done this a long time ago.” Part of finding myself again is reclaiming my fem-fatal nature. I back in the day, I took pride in myself and enjoyed my girl-ness. I can’t say I was a make-up wearer everyday but enjoyed the comical outfits I put together or ones that showed my legs. Those physical characteristics that said to the outer world I care about myself. I am returning to said creature and even attempting the *gasp* what I have never done before, which is wear make-up everyday. My Feme transformation back to self also include self care of beauty, mind, heart and soul. All for later posts.
Fear of rejection, fear of being uninteresting has always kept me from that route of dating in a normal sense. Bizarre, since I can have great conversations with total strangers and I know their whole life story and they sometimes barely catch my name. I am learning that not everyone is interested in other people as I am. That is ok. I also learned from an old friend that maybe I need to be more interested in myself and express that a bit more without the shadow worried that it maybe exposed.
Strangest are my various loves of people or hobbies have come in and out and in again into my life. I am seeking a purpose driven life in a NON-Rick Warren way. Cautious because when I am engaged in someone else or something else I tend to lose myself to the detriment of myself and others. I am very open to those who have been in my inner circle for ages and trust that they are interested the words that come out of my mouth but for newer people I am coy and mysterious. I am falling in love with myself now to change that. Without all this being about me, me, and me in conversation I would like to contribute my true self to others without a wall. Slowly I hope I am getting there. 1st my make-up….

Invisiblity Cloak by robpatrick

Only one person has ever told me he loved me, and then a week or so later he broke up with me. Does that count? LOL It was long ago and it could be troubling if I didn’t think that I was the cat’s pajamas. I don’t always think of myself so highly but I am working on it. I have loved or been infatuated a few times but cupid didn’t strike us at the same time, usually. It’s funny, a friend of mine asked while we were talking in July if a particular person that I was speaking of noticed me. I said yes! Maybe for ego’s sake, or in that moment I thought I was noticed. But really, was I? I mean I guess in the physical sense, he would flirt, swap porn with me, and hug me but not really notice me, not on a core level. Or else dang, he would have seen just how awesome I am! LOL I think most if not all of us crave and long for someone to know the real us even if we go out in the world with disguises. It’s comforting to know someone wants to know you, all of you.
I know most of the time in the past, in jest with friends or hopeful romantic contenders, I would pull out all the stops for people to notice me. Hey, I even have a blog for Pete’s sake! Anybody notice? Thanks to the select few who read me. I get occasional new people, but beyond the Google and Yahoo Bots, the attempts at getting people to notice are not working. I need to market better.
Sometimes in my real life I feel missing even though I am in a room with people that I know love and care for me. My invisibility cloak turns on even when I don’t want it to. Depends on the moment-I have less of those experiences when people aren’t in competition for the group’s attention. I love group gatherings; it feels great to have tradition, family, and a sense of belonging. I love one-on-one conversations that get to the meat of other people. It’s hard to find the core of someone when distractions abound. I know for a fact my true friendships are kept sacred when we share one-on-one time.
This epiphany, I guess, is the forever seeking what I felt was missing. Wondering why I couldn’t give this to myself. Was it in the mechanism? I have to say that reconnecting to my poetry, my journals, and a feeling that maybe a few of you on- and off-line are listening has filled me immensely. Maybe that is why I wanted to be an actress for so many years, so people would notice. Maybe that is why I wanted to be a singer/songwriter. I want people to know ME even though most will only know the surface.
I could list the possible causes of my affliction, maybe due to lack of attention from Mom or a father figure. Maybe because there hasn’t been romantic love in my life as of yet that shows me who I am in their eyes. Maybe it’s that even though I am outgoing, I am private with who I REALLY am. I have to be able to be patient and show myself with trust that someone wants to know me. Maybe, just maybe, it’s time to let go of the whys and continue to listen to myself more and express myself in artistic or other noble ways. Not seeking, not craving, just being.
I am friendly. I care about others. I am not more deformed than most. LOL I don’t think I have to be more obnoxious to be noticed! The performer in me disagrees loudly. I have tried that in the past; it doesn’t work and really, if anything, it annoys people. Not my intention except when I am actually looking to be silly or funny. I have to remember to be me. Sometimes I am quiet, reflective, funny, emotional, silly, loud, affectionate, and outrageous among other things. I guess this post is about loving myself enough not to push who I am onto others but also to build people into my life who want to know who I am, even when I have trouble talking about myself. Having a strong faith that when the time is right, as romance is concerned, the special someone for me will notice me and those words that I heard long ago will be made real. Oh Yeah!
Love and Hugs,
Jen

Black and White to Color by Thiophene_Guy

It’s amazing how time flies. I remember when I was in high school wanting to marry my then love and have like 6 kids, I saw the world as very black and white. Then I grew older, and slightly more grey etched into my view when more and more people (including me, much to my dismay) made choices that weren’t so moral or ethical in contrast to my past viewpoint. My spiritual philosophies have changed and grown ever more expansive in hopes to be less judgmental of others and myself. Deleting dogma and trying to stay in the present moment were apart of those changes. As I get even older and more experiences fill my life, I realize that I am, at once, not one thing all the time. I am a hypocrite. I am righteous. I am judgmental. I am obnoxious. I am loving. I am affectionate. I am a jokester. I am serious. I am sensitive. I over think and don’t think at all. I can get upset quickly and get over things quickly. I am friend and foe. I mumble. I sometimes talk with eloquence and sometimes sound like an idiot. I humiliate myself constantly when it comes to giving too much info about how I am feeling or thinking. My friends say, Here is the line and here is Jen Heart. Knowing that I have crossed the line yet again, I am comic relief for my perversions or outlandish speech. I am glad I am an idealist even if life circumstances or situations aren’t ideal. I am a good person with some bad tossed in for flavor. Some days I do way better than others. I try (Yoda says there is no try) to make choices in my life that won’t hurt others or myself. I sometimes do hurt people without intention. I am grayer still; it’s better than being 100% black in my thinking.

In the blink of a moment life can change. I meet someone and sparks fly and fire licks up and down my whole body. I meet really great people who end up in the friend zone within 30 seconds. Best friends for years leave when challenged to take sides, such as when we are reminders of old times after a divorce. I left relationships that were my everything, even when there was so much history, love, and friendship. Leaving due to feeling invalidated, and feeling like I never had a voice. The older I get, the more I know that major life events change dynamics, and sometimes just time changes things. New friends can come into my life and eventually either become totally enmeshed in my world or fade out.

A friend who knew me when I was greener about life (when I was about 16 to 23) by fate and opportunity contacted me again. It’s amazing how different and similar we both are to the people we were oh so long ago. My friend-who-knew-me-when started to inch back after my mom’s passing. She loved my mom and Mom always loved her. I can’t believe it’s been 3 years since my mom’s stroke. I know sometimes I express more of a dark view of my mom. I saw the sides she never showed to the outside and being a caregiver to her there is still some charge of not being cared for in the way I needed or wanted. Even for all the yucky stuff, I know my mom was an awesome, spectacularly strong, inventive, intelligent, sweet and loving woman. She was so generous in giving appreciation or wanting people to smile that she would give gifts to even the cashier at the grocery store. My mom made a lasting impression on people even if she met them for just 5 minutes. After her passing, I had the duty of contacting her business contacts or people she would chat with on the Internet. My mom was a mix of a social hermit. I get that from her, I assume. Where is my hole to hide but first I must dance with my comrades. Ha-Ha! Mom’s social network were the people she would sell to, help out, or give away things to on the Internet. So many of her Net friends showed so much love and told me how much she touched them. Those e-mails reminded me that she wasn’t the completely horrible person or parent I made her out to be. Less grey even still, I grow. Soon life will be all white by the time I am dead and gone.

Mom taught me so many things about people, how to see people in their brightest light even when they weren’t showing it at the moment. She taught me how to change my thinking and see the situation change when all I did was think about it from a different often positive or learning perspective. The black and white of her was that she was not always mentally available or financially stable for me. I was a great love in her life, as was my brother, but many times when I was expressing an emotion or myself in a way she didn’t want me to be she’d tune me out, literally. The grey in all my negative circumstances is that I got so much from her by her not being the perfect parent. I gained strength, knowledge, and the ability to love the imperfect, among so much more. The hardest part is throwing that unconditional love my own way or even at those whom I judge harshly for things that I may do under the right “lighting” or “motive.”

I never talk about it but I feel it’s important for others to know that it’s OK to ask how I am doing when it comes to Mom’s death. I know people don’t know what to say. Don’t want to bring it up for fear of making me upset. I know everyone is different and deals with death in a very personal way. I still don’t know what to say to other people when they lose someone dear. The times of thinking about Mom grow in longer stretches but I still am sad that she won’t be here when I am in a relationship with the love of my life, see me get married, or even have babies. I am so happy she got to dance with my brother at his wedding. I am happy that she got to live with me (even though it was brutal and nearly killed me) and she got to live with Billy and Lisa. We all had the chance to see the best and the worst of her to the bitter end. I know I am blessed to have had her be my teacher, my mother, and friend.

After all these years I can see I am different but similar. I still want to marry but have reduced the number of kids in my mind down to two. Realism of cost and actual time to devote to my kids; I want to give everything I never had. Those things like quality time, validation, listening to who they are and what their needs/feelings entail, resources, and security to name but a few. I know I already love them more than the moon and the stars. I can’t see them but I know they are waiting for me to get my act together. Ha-ha! Whenever that may be. I want to give them everything so they can be the best people they are meant to be. I want to devote my life to those I love, my friends, my lovers, and my passions in poetry, song, and pure creation. I want to be better than I am now but be OK and love myself even if I am not perfect. I want to show that life is better in the grey. It might not be easier but better, that I can attest to.

We are ever changing; who we are, our lives, and obviously our world is changing so quickly we sometimes can hardly breathe. I want to breathe more but I also want my breath taken away more. Here’s to the grey and all the colors that make life so not boring and far more complicated and exciting than I ever could have imagined.

Love and Hugs,
Jen

Goo by Steve A

Most of us have the instinct of fight or flight. We come with a built-in system. If things aren’t feeling too good, we want to run away in case some tiger will eat us. When it comes to human relationships, this instinct comes out when we are in a super state of joy, insecurity, anger, wounding, or knowing that it’s time to get out of a situation for true happiness isn’t there. Within this delicate place where emotions can run amuck and without protective gear, we may be hit by flying emotional goo. There is a place where true intimacy and vulnerability can thrive. This place of opening up to others at risk of being hurt is a necessary evil in order to cross over to the land of true emotional intimacy.

Intimacy takes time because trust, communication, and understanding, as well as chemistry, need to build points of safety but sometimes after years if you don’t have it you may never have it. I know this from old relationships where I would give years over to someone, mind, body, and soul, and it was never reciprocal. I could say I wasted time but we had fun, some laughs, and I had many tears but most importantly I learned through those experiences what I need in a loving relationship.

What happens if the other party isn’t ready, willing, or able to cross the bridge with you into the rewarding but scary place of connection? Choices are endless—leave, stay, be in limbo forever—but in truth, even though it’s scary, our need to fill our emotional coffer is a package deal with romantic love. Even with true friendship, the exchange of truthful emotional expression is needed for a real relationship to flourish.

We all know someone (maybe ourselves) who may or may not admit they are looking, waiting, and keeping busy until true love comes in. We all disguise this want because in the 21st century it is noble to be independent and not want others in our lives to enhance breathing on Earth. There are some that may be perfectly content to be emotionally alone. There is nothing wrong with people who don’t want that aspect of living; however, I am not one of them. Like a newborn, I am in constant need of emotional availability from others and myself. Connection is what feeds me and without even a smidgen of it I would surely die. I am not trying to be dramatic but at 31 years old, I know what I need and want.

Self preservation has its purpose in order to keep ourselves fed and sheltered, but the wall that protects our hearts must come down in order to grow and really feel connection to the people we want in our little worlds. We honor those we love by letting them into how we think, feel, dream, and who we are, warts and all. It is a gift to give them our experience in the way we as individuals see the world. Views can be the same or very different, but it can only be true intimacy if we are authentic and truthful even in spite of our fears.

I am hopeful that I will have what I desire in intimate relations. I have but a tiny group of people where my wall crashes completely down and they see all the scars, imperfections, and love I have to give. I am hopeful that I will have that in my romantic life someday as well.

Here is to keeping my heart open for true intimacy with all my relations and not to be fearful of not being loved, being authentic, and most of all being myself.

Love and Hugs,
Jen

I love how interesting people or people whom I find interesting (which is everyone) get together in magical ways to create or add pizzazz to my day. I am a fan of Neil Gaiman. I was haphazardly introduced to The Sandman when visiting my (ex-boy then friend at RPI) where very cool architecture students would be into so much cool shit. Art, design, music, and sci-fi all forms of awesomeness in creative endeavors. The kind of sci-fi that peaked my interest and wasn’t of the Robert Aspirin or Asimov of my mom’s tastes. One girl, an anomaly at RPI (girls, that is) who my friend’s roommate was dating, talked about The Sandman. I was intrigued and jealous of this college girl even though I am sure I was nearly the same age. I wanted into that artistic coven. Although that portal to my future was not meant to be, I learned much from those artistic fellows through the brief encounters I had with them. Neil was one of them. I follow his blog now to keep up with the old scamp and gain a little creative juice. Check out his journal or website, you’ll be happy that you did. He’s written many things beyond The Sandman, including Batman in various film adaptations and in states of woe.

My friend Jay, who works at my brother and sister-in-law’s toy store, turned me onto Amanda Palmer. Jay is great at finding music and has good taste. He likes Tool and Tori Amos and, well, he’s tattooed. We could go on about the fine qualities of Jay but we will turn to Amanda, the woman he introduced my brother to from The Dresden Dolls. In turn, because I have idolized my brother to a fault since birth, the music that he imparts my way usually grabs me by the soul and doesn’t let go. The Dolls have a fab drummer, Brian, raw and amazing and, then there is Amanda. Ahahahaahahaha! Amanda. She is coming out solo for the moment on September 16. Helped by the producing stylings of Ben Folds. Awesome!

What is even more awesome is that Amanda enjoys a little band named They Might Be Giants. In addition to her admiration of TMBG’s Flood album, Depeche Mode, The Smiths, and others are among many fine bands that cover her MySpace page.

Then two great artists meet. Neil and Amanda working on the Who Killed Amanda Palmer book together. Dark, haunting, sexy, and intelligent—adjectives to describe the child of the two, and I will love to look into that book.

Bringing all of this to the present: one of my good friends, Aaron, blogged today and he referenced another blogger/poet/musician I had never heard of Saul Williams.

I investigate my friend’s reference. I am sure he has mentioned him in conversation before but lost the name and today it is readily available for me to download. My friend’s taste in music is vast and has many layers of overlap with my sensibilities. So I trust his taste immensely. Sure enough, Saul Williams is a brilliant writer and crazy brilliant for collaborating with one of the hottest men and greatest musicians to walk the earth today, Trent Reznor. But that isn’t the coolest part. Today, looking at Amanda Palmer’s MySpace page, I found the Neil Gaiman pic of them on a roof. I looked down at one of her commenting fans, “Eric,” referencing another blog she did about Saul Williams and how she thinks he FUCKING ROCKS! WTF?!!! Really . . . REALLY! Damn this solar eclipse and the universe—it is super trippy with all the emotions, creativity, and change that is going on for me and I am sure many of you.

All this is very odd, as in July I was bored and looking up stuff to do to meet new people and guys with similar interests who are cool and cute. So anyway, I joined Meet-Up looking for poetry or singing–song writing groups. I have written poetry for forever and had fantasies of being a singer/performer like everybody else and figured meeting like-minded friends would be a good place to open my horizons. I have yet to go to a meeting, mind you. July has been busy.

Maybe it’s only trippy in my world how things go to together and maybe you can’t see or feel the thread I do. It makes me feel that yeah, the Universe is so freaking BRILLIANT and astonishing, how everyone every second of every day isn’t in awe how we get to where we are going by our own choices and by the Universe throwing bombs or mines around us to get us to move in a direction that obviously makes our hearts sing or motivates us to grow and serve others. Art, music, communication are all ways we serve each other.

I wish I were as intelligent and artistic as all those featured in my post. As of yet I am not, but I am willing to strive for my artistic, intellectual, and spiritual pinnacle so others may be inspired by me or helped or comforted in some way, however it is I am expressing myself at the time. I enjoy writing, poetry, song, dance, talking, feeling, living, and laughing. I would love to paint myself on canvas literally but need a tarp and safe body paint to do it properly in my bedroom. But until I get naked and paint . . .

Today is just a day when I am in awe of my friends in the world who spark things inside of me, and in sharing my cherubs with you, I hope sparks fly out of you, too!

See your own amazing thread and see where it takes you! Please share!

Love and Hugs,

Jen

Firey Solar Eclipse by amodiovalerioverde

This weekend the stars and life have got me really creative, in various moods & emotions and thinking about what destiny has in store for me. I have a dualistic belief that some things in your life are predestined and some things are of choice. Maybe depending on the day, it may all seem very self-serving to think that I have control over my life. In some sense I have a fraction of control but feel at times life and my emotions take me on the journey. I know all good things have their time and purpose even if I have no idea what I am supposed to do in life beyond flickers of interest or desired intent or when my life feels like home.

I do feel that certain people and events happen in my life to influence or change my inner world, my beacon of direction and inspiration. I think these things are on purpose even if the event or person doesn’t know that they are in a synchronistic evolving journey with the collective and me. I only pray that the experience of these events and all these wonderful people that smash into my life will make me a better person, more full of life, happier, and thankful for the energy exchanged. I want to be transformed to be more of who I am supposed to be.

I pray you see the wonderful duality in life. The people and events that hit you upside the head and get you to think, move, grow, and love more than you ever dreamed. Hopeful that my destiny and choice meet me to take me under their wings and transport me to a place filled with creative magic, love, and the possibilities of making my own little heaven on earth.

Love and Hugs,

Jen

How do the stars affect our present life? Well, in simplified terms there are certain sparks, interests, life goals, as well inclinations on talents, things to grow and learn from to be gleaned from reading your natal chart. By studying a chart similar to mine, you can see where someone’s focus lies based on positions of planets within certain houses and such. Some people think astrology is some BS that just prevents people from taking charge of their own lives. I think if you know yourself better, then you can make better choices in your own life. One way to get to know yourself better is your astrological chart.

I am not talking about the horoscopes in a newspaper or magazine, as they just correlate a person’s sun sign and at best a few key items that affect the majority in that sign. A natal chart shows the true complexities of a person. The chart can show possible wishes, desires, past karma, and aptitudes. I know many people who do not fit their sun sign’s descriptive qualities, hence the daily horoscope in your paper may not be the best basis for decisions in your life.

A great place to check your own chart for free is Astro.com. You can also, if you know someone else’s birth information, find out about close compatriots in your life. To learn even more about the details of astrology houses, planets, and all you can check out CafeAstrology.com.

Love and Hugs,

Jen

pain/tears/silence by darkroom11

I think I repeat patterns for many reasons.

1. Habit of not working hard, like easy roads with clear outcomes.
2. Nearly masochistic enjoyment when my heart does the same things over and over again to hurt myself.
3. Archetypes that are innumerable and help me be the clown, wounded child, and lonely hearts club member, to name but a few repeating themes.

Other fun stuff on my mind this week is that I have way too many interests, shiny things that catch my attention or desire. Choosing a path or a select few that hold my passion and love and will give me stability in all areas of life is a super challenge for me. Good to be creative and interested, bad if I am stuck in a corner worrying what to paint, to love, to write, and to act in a directive manner.

This weekend I was spending time with two good friends. I was inspired Saturday night and wrote numerous poems at their house and wrote many more Sunday and Monday. So I was productive and had fun. Go Figure?

I realize all-or-nothing thinking is always dangerous and, I know I need focus in desired dreams in order to reach them. Be it love, work, connection to the whole of life and health of mind, body, and spirit.

As a little girl I didn’t worry so much about choice of career or purpose. I had a talk show. I would dance, do gymnastics on my bed, I would interview imaginary people with my tape player, I would sing, I ran around wanting to be everything, loved being goofy and imaginative. My mom suggested I be a hairdresser or teacher. Yuck, I always scoffed. I just wanted people to laugh or enjoy what show I was doing. I was giving many a performance to an imaginary audience or my mom, nana, or brother. Man, I wish I could recapture what that little girl had.

I’m realizing now at 31 years old that I have a whole lot of life left to make my dreams happen even when I feel so hopeless and feel I haven’t fully given any of my true dreams a shot. Feeling as if I couldn’t do whatever it is my heart wants me to sing. I desire many things before I die in this lifetime, many just having to do with loving the people I ensconce myself with and those I would love to touch in the future with my own unique spirit.

I am very close to my silly happy-go-lucky side as well as my self-loathing pain-filled side. I know it’s OK to love both but my love of my pain or consistent internal suffering isn’t productive for a loving, generous, compassionate, and meaningful life. Does make for great art of any substance though!

I look to my friends, family, and spirit to guide me so I can share my love with others as well as with myself.

Suggestions?

Love and Hugs,

Jen

Learning to readjust to a new way of doing things. Especially if I am carrying extra loads now. Pre-planing and possibly a cab or smaller trips will have to be my main stay for a while. I see all of this as a positive learning experience as I am learning to plan my time, execution, and the planet. Not to shabby due to financial hardship of job loss. My butt shaping up more as well.

I have to say even with buses I walk more because I am still learning routes, have little cash from unemployment and me trying to not become a hermit as depression can sync in if I never leave the house. Libraries are great and general tying up loose ends, Newark, DMV, Ez-pass and the post office have become events where I can commune with people. I need to be around people even if I don’t know them a little interaction a smile and hello goes a long way.

Hugs,

Jen