Invisiblity Cloak by robpatrick

Only one person has ever told me he loved me, and then a week or so later he broke up with me. Does that count? LOL It was long ago and it could be troubling if I didn’t think that I was the cat’s pajamas. I don’t always think of myself so highly but I am working on it. I have loved or been infatuated a few times but cupid didn’t strike us at the same time, usually. It’s funny, a friend of mine asked while we were talking in July if a particular person that I was speaking of noticed me. I said yes! Maybe for ego’s sake, or in that moment I thought I was noticed. But really, was I? I mean I guess in the physical sense, he would flirt, swap porn with me, and hug me but not really notice me, not on a core level. Or else dang, he would have seen just how awesome I am! LOL I think most if not all of us crave and long for someone to know the real us even if we go out in the world with disguises. It’s comforting to know someone wants to know you, all of you.
I know most of the time in the past, in jest with friends or hopeful romantic contenders, I would pull out all the stops for people to notice me. Hey, I even have a blog for Pete’s sake! Anybody notice? Thanks to the select few who read me. I get occasional new people, but beyond the Google and Yahoo Bots, the attempts at getting people to notice are not working. I need to market better.
Sometimes in my real life I feel missing even though I am in a room with people that I know love and care for me. My invisibility cloak turns on even when I don’t want it to. Depends on the moment-I have less of those experiences when people aren’t in competition for the group’s attention. I love group gatherings; it feels great to have tradition, family, and a sense of belonging. I love one-on-one conversations that get to the meat of other people. It’s hard to find the core of someone when distractions abound. I know for a fact my true friendships are kept sacred when we share one-on-one time.
This epiphany, I guess, is the forever seeking what I felt was missing. Wondering why I couldn’t give this to myself. Was it in the mechanism? I have to say that reconnecting to my poetry, my journals, and a feeling that maybe a few of you on- and off-line are listening has filled me immensely. Maybe that is why I wanted to be an actress for so many years, so people would notice. Maybe that is why I wanted to be a singer/songwriter. I want people to know ME even though most will only know the surface.
I could list the possible causes of my affliction, maybe due to lack of attention from Mom or a father figure. Maybe because there hasn’t been romantic love in my life as of yet that shows me who I am in their eyes. Maybe it’s that even though I am outgoing, I am private with who I REALLY am. I have to be able to be patient and show myself with trust that someone wants to know me. Maybe, just maybe, it’s time to let go of the whys and continue to listen to myself more and express myself in artistic or other noble ways. Not seeking, not craving, just being.
I am friendly. I care about others. I am not more deformed than most. LOL I don’t think I have to be more obnoxious to be noticed! The performer in me disagrees loudly. I have tried that in the past; it doesn’t work and really, if anything, it annoys people. Not my intention except when I am actually looking to be silly or funny. I have to remember to be me. Sometimes I am quiet, reflective, funny, emotional, silly, loud, affectionate, and outrageous among other things. I guess this post is about loving myself enough not to push who I am onto others but also to build people into my life who want to know who I am, even when I have trouble talking about myself. Having a strong faith that when the time is right, as romance is concerned, the special someone for me will notice me and those words that I heard long ago will be made real. Oh Yeah!
Love and Hugs,
Jen

Black and White to Color by Thiophene_Guy

It’s amazing how time flies. I remember when I was in high school wanting to marry my then love and have like 6 kids, I saw the world as very black and white. Then I grew older, and slightly more grey etched into my view when more and more people (including me, much to my dismay) made choices that weren’t so moral or ethical in contrast to my past viewpoint. My spiritual philosophies have changed and grown ever more expansive in hopes to be less judgmental of others and myself. Deleting dogma and trying to stay in the present moment were apart of those changes. As I get even older and more experiences fill my life, I realize that I am, at once, not one thing all the time. I am a hypocrite. I am righteous. I am judgmental. I am obnoxious. I am loving. I am affectionate. I am a jokester. I am serious. I am sensitive. I over think and don’t think at all. I can get upset quickly and get over things quickly. I am friend and foe. I mumble. I sometimes talk with eloquence and sometimes sound like an idiot. I humiliate myself constantly when it comes to giving too much info about how I am feeling or thinking. My friends say, Here is the line and here is Jen Heart. Knowing that I have crossed the line yet again, I am comic relief for my perversions or outlandish speech. I am glad I am an idealist even if life circumstances or situations aren’t ideal. I am a good person with some bad tossed in for flavor. Some days I do way better than others. I try (Yoda says there is no try) to make choices in my life that won’t hurt others or myself. I sometimes do hurt people without intention. I am grayer still; it’s better than being 100% black in my thinking.

In the blink of a moment life can change. I meet someone and sparks fly and fire licks up and down my whole body. I meet really great people who end up in the friend zone within 30 seconds. Best friends for years leave when challenged to take sides, such as when we are reminders of old times after a divorce. I left relationships that were my everything, even when there was so much history, love, and friendship. Leaving due to feeling invalidated, and feeling like I never had a voice. The older I get, the more I know that major life events change dynamics, and sometimes just time changes things. New friends can come into my life and eventually either become totally enmeshed in my world or fade out.

A friend who knew me when I was greener about life (when I was about 16 to 23) by fate and opportunity contacted me again. It’s amazing how different and similar we both are to the people we were oh so long ago. My friend-who-knew-me-when started to inch back after my mom’s passing. She loved my mom and Mom always loved her. I can’t believe it’s been 3 years since my mom’s stroke. I know sometimes I express more of a dark view of my mom. I saw the sides she never showed to the outside and being a caregiver to her there is still some charge of not being cared for in the way I needed or wanted. Even for all the yucky stuff, I know my mom was an awesome, spectacularly strong, inventive, intelligent, sweet and loving woman. She was so generous in giving appreciation or wanting people to smile that she would give gifts to even the cashier at the grocery store. My mom made a lasting impression on people even if she met them for just 5 minutes. After her passing, I had the duty of contacting her business contacts or people she would chat with on the Internet. My mom was a mix of a social hermit. I get that from her, I assume. Where is my hole to hide but first I must dance with my comrades. Ha-Ha! Mom’s social network were the people she would sell to, help out, or give away things to on the Internet. So many of her Net friends showed so much love and told me how much she touched them. Those e-mails reminded me that she wasn’t the completely horrible person or parent I made her out to be. Less grey even still, I grow. Soon life will be all white by the time I am dead and gone.

Mom taught me so many things about people, how to see people in their brightest light even when they weren’t showing it at the moment. She taught me how to change my thinking and see the situation change when all I did was think about it from a different often positive or learning perspective. The black and white of her was that she was not always mentally available or financially stable for me. I was a great love in her life, as was my brother, but many times when I was expressing an emotion or myself in a way she didn’t want me to be she’d tune me out, literally. The grey in all my negative circumstances is that I got so much from her by her not being the perfect parent. I gained strength, knowledge, and the ability to love the imperfect, among so much more. The hardest part is throwing that unconditional love my own way or even at those whom I judge harshly for things that I may do under the right “lighting” or “motive.”

I never talk about it but I feel it’s important for others to know that it’s OK to ask how I am doing when it comes to Mom’s death. I know people don’t know what to say. Don’t want to bring it up for fear of making me upset. I know everyone is different and deals with death in a very personal way. I still don’t know what to say to other people when they lose someone dear. The times of thinking about Mom grow in longer stretches but I still am sad that she won’t be here when I am in a relationship with the love of my life, see me get married, or even have babies. I am so happy she got to dance with my brother at his wedding. I am happy that she got to live with me (even though it was brutal and nearly killed me) and she got to live with Billy and Lisa. We all had the chance to see the best and the worst of her to the bitter end. I know I am blessed to have had her be my teacher, my mother, and friend.

After all these years I can see I am different but similar. I still want to marry but have reduced the number of kids in my mind down to two. Realism of cost and actual time to devote to my kids; I want to give everything I never had. Those things like quality time, validation, listening to who they are and what their needs/feelings entail, resources, and security to name but a few. I know I already love them more than the moon and the stars. I can’t see them but I know they are waiting for me to get my act together. Ha-ha! Whenever that may be. I want to give them everything so they can be the best people they are meant to be. I want to devote my life to those I love, my friends, my lovers, and my passions in poetry, song, and pure creation. I want to be better than I am now but be OK and love myself even if I am not perfect. I want to show that life is better in the grey. It might not be easier but better, that I can attest to.

We are ever changing; who we are, our lives, and obviously our world is changing so quickly we sometimes can hardly breathe. I want to breathe more but I also want my breath taken away more. Here’s to the grey and all the colors that make life so not boring and far more complicated and exciting than I ever could have imagined.

Love and Hugs,
Jen

Goo by Steve A

Most of us have the instinct of fight or flight. We come with a built-in system. If things aren’t feeling too good, we want to run away in case some tiger will eat us. When it comes to human relationships, this instinct comes out when we are in a super state of joy, insecurity, anger, wounding, or knowing that it’s time to get out of a situation for true happiness isn’t there. Within this delicate place where emotions can run amuck and without protective gear, we may be hit by flying emotional goo. There is a place where true intimacy and vulnerability can thrive. This place of opening up to others at risk of being hurt is a necessary evil in order to cross over to the land of true emotional intimacy.

Intimacy takes time because trust, communication, and understanding, as well as chemistry, need to build points of safety but sometimes after years if you don’t have it you may never have it. I know this from old relationships where I would give years over to someone, mind, body, and soul, and it was never reciprocal. I could say I wasted time but we had fun, some laughs, and I had many tears but most importantly I learned through those experiences what I need in a loving relationship.

What happens if the other party isn’t ready, willing, or able to cross the bridge with you into the rewarding but scary place of connection? Choices are endless—leave, stay, be in limbo forever—but in truth, even though it’s scary, our need to fill our emotional coffer is a package deal with romantic love. Even with true friendship, the exchange of truthful emotional expression is needed for a real relationship to flourish.

We all know someone (maybe ourselves) who may or may not admit they are looking, waiting, and keeping busy until true love comes in. We all disguise this want because in the 21st century it is noble to be independent and not want others in our lives to enhance breathing on Earth. There are some that may be perfectly content to be emotionally alone. There is nothing wrong with people who don’t want that aspect of living; however, I am not one of them. Like a newborn, I am in constant need of emotional availability from others and myself. Connection is what feeds me and without even a smidgen of it I would surely die. I am not trying to be dramatic but at 31 years old, I know what I need and want.

Self preservation has its purpose in order to keep ourselves fed and sheltered, but the wall that protects our hearts must come down in order to grow and really feel connection to the people we want in our little worlds. We honor those we love by letting them into how we think, feel, dream, and who we are, warts and all. It is a gift to give them our experience in the way we as individuals see the world. Views can be the same or very different, but it can only be true intimacy if we are authentic and truthful even in spite of our fears.

I am hopeful that I will have what I desire in intimate relations. I have but a tiny group of people where my wall crashes completely down and they see all the scars, imperfections, and love I have to give. I am hopeful that I will have that in my romantic life someday as well.

Here is to keeping my heart open for true intimacy with all my relations and not to be fearful of not being loved, being authentic, and most of all being myself.

Love and Hugs,
Jen

Firey Solar Eclipse by amodiovalerioverde

This weekend the stars and life have got me really creative, in various moods & emotions and thinking about what destiny has in store for me. I have a dualistic belief that some things in your life are predestined and some things are of choice. Maybe depending on the day, it may all seem very self-serving to think that I have control over my life. In some sense I have a fraction of control but feel at times life and my emotions take me on the journey. I know all good things have their time and purpose even if I have no idea what I am supposed to do in life beyond flickers of interest or desired intent or when my life feels like home.

I do feel that certain people and events happen in my life to influence or change my inner world, my beacon of direction and inspiration. I think these things are on purpose even if the event or person doesn’t know that they are in a synchronistic evolving journey with the collective and me. I only pray that the experience of these events and all these wonderful people that smash into my life will make me a better person, more full of life, happier, and thankful for the energy exchanged. I want to be transformed to be more of who I am supposed to be.

I pray you see the wonderful duality in life. The people and events that hit you upside the head and get you to think, move, grow, and love more than you ever dreamed. Hopeful that my destiny and choice meet me to take me under their wings and transport me to a place filled with creative magic, love, and the possibilities of making my own little heaven on earth.

Love and Hugs,

Jen

Randy, your physical presence on Earth will forever be missed. Thank you for being born when we needed someone with your caliber of honor, grace, wisdom, and dream quality to inspire your kin as well as all of us.

Godspeed!

Love and Hugs,

Jen

Coming back to life after a power struggle within myself. Looks like things are on the upswing as my mood is back to enthusiastic levels again. I find life with its ebbs and flows reminds me about my personal philosophies in addition to A: a horoscope and B: a stranger’s judgment.

Truth is always stranger than fiction and this week I was told I will be tested on my spiritual or life philosophy and realizing that I have my own magic to make and it’s OK if no one believes in my magic as long as God and I are on the same page.

A recap for all those not keeping score: I once was a Catholic girl, not too many short plaid skirts in my closet now although I have a nice Rosary collection. I believe God exists but not the way that is most traditional. I believe that Jesus lived on Earth and was a Highly Evolved Spirit that came to teach us. However, I do not think God started and stopped talking when Jesus came. I think we needed Jesus but if the message wasn’t clear from Him, there are many teachers out there spreading a similar if not the same message dressed up all fancy.

I think all, even people who are “evil,” have God-stuff in them or are of God-stuff but for various reasons unknowable to all of us they do negative works. (Beyond the surface ego stuff like they need money, are greedy, angry, blah blah blah.) I believe that the Universe is governed by many laws; some of them are Attraction, Paradoxical Intent, Karma, and many more. I also believe that with faith, hard work, and positive thinking, you can be and do whatever you want. I think what you may want depends on your purpose on Earth and not everybody needs to be a rock star in order to be somebody. I think everybody is Somebody for the uniqueness they bring into the world or else they wouldn’t be in this tapestry we call life.

I had a phone interview this week, which brought a very unusual situation to speak my mind when asked about my philosophies. It’s strange that if I don’t follow the same code of life or how God works, the way I see it I lose out on an opportunity because they decided they didn’t want me thinking differently. I have no hard feelings, as it was God’s test for me. I know a brighter future is out there for me. The silly part about the situation is that I am like the spiritual U.N. I try not to judge and enjoy people for who they are, especially if they are different from me. I hang out with atheists who are wonderful, intelligent, good, ethical people. I also hang out with very cool, down-to-earth Born Again-ers, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Agnostics, Christians, Episcopalians, Catholics, or general non-affiliates. Now working with super-negative people takes its toll on me, but wherever I am meant to serve I will go. If I need a spiritual cleanse I know what to do now.

To me everyone is on Earth for his or her purpose and usually even unconsciously we are all connected to someone else’s purpose. We are never separate from each other. Authors need readers, musicians need listeners, products need buyers, lovers need lovers, friends need friends, we need trees and trees need us. Happy Tree Hugger, aren’t I!

If bad things happen, I can guarantee that the pendulum will swing and good will come back stronger. Now the good that comes back may not be seen by all at the time, but eventually down the road, like 20/20 vision, most will see the good that comes out of a negative situation. Choices, decisions, or circumstances affect all things. We must make an effort to trust the process like a mama bird trusts that her baby will fly as she pushes her baby out of the nest. Trusting that the Universe/God will have your back is good for your mental health. To think one is condemned, for example: what would give anyone the recourse to change their life if all there was was a dead end and pitchforks?

Judgment for all the bad in the world is not my job. That is for the Prime Mover to know. To me God knows all the details and the reasons, whys, and hows, and has UNCONDITIONAL LOVE for all of it. I believe there is a purpose for the “negative” in the world as well. It’s our job to listen to our intuition and use the spark within us to do good works, and ask for guidance to help the world and its issues. My job is to do the very best to not be a part of the problem without becoming closed off from the world. My job as well is to add joy and love to the planet. Jesus hung out with the people most people don’t want to hang out with because He loved them just the same! I like that and strive to love everyone the same, especially when they seek to harm others or me.

I am sure, since I was hung up on, that I made a fiend instead of a friend and only hope that said stranger reduces judging others, lest ye be judged. I am like Charlotte, I think everyone is a friend in my heart even if they do not feel the same for me.

Love and Hugs,

Jen

Lightning on the Columbia River by phatman

This week has been very interesting and humbling. I am still looking for work, income, or a way to make money from my poetry or creative endeavors. Sold my car to a very wonderful family in Jersey City. I even hope to continue a friendship with these very interesting people. Got great tips about traveling to India and Japan from my Hyundai’s new adopted family.

Tuesday evening my roommate Jeanette and I had a major storm and lost power for about 3 days. We had some food spoilage but overall we fared well. Candlelight and peace from the computer was nice. Heat was something to contend with but really nothing tragic in the grand scheme of things. Friends offered help and/or words of encouragement. Finished 2 books and almost done my 3rd one.

My humility comes from asking for help from many sources including God. Not that I was asking God to save my hot dogs but for me to find my own peace about my current life challenges. Many things happen to many people, including financial worry and lack of electricity. I still can’t say enough about the book that I raved about in my last post, Left To Tell. It reminds me of prayer and gratitude, the genocide that is happening now in Darfur, and awakening to my own American entitlement and spoiled nature. I used to think because of my past that I was humble. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I was and still am blessed beyond measure to live in the U.S. even with its faults. I am blessed that my cross(es) that I bear have been to say the least minimal or blown out of sorts by my own negative thinking or lack of self-confidence. Positive thinking and faith are keys to success, my friends. I am also in awe this week of those who really do have strong faith and an ability to forgive and love freely at all costs or all rewards depending on your perspective.

I pray this feeling of humility and personal/spiritual power continues.

I would love it if you would speak about your own blessings in your life. Please share! I love to hear good news!

Hugs,
Jen

So real, it's unreal! by tracy-the-astonishing

Many of us people pleasers, or people who seek the love of others, use unconscious manipulation to try to get what we seek. This manipulation for the average person is under the radar and usually goes unnoticed. It is oh so sexy. Not!

Now I am not talking about extreme cases like that of a serial killer, as many will not be reading my blog. Would be nice but they might not like the light! Some of those types need to manipulate to get what they want or else they cause harm to others; they rarely become conscious enough to want to change.

Some people use manipulation for power. Some use manipulation in experiments with people. They justify their use by having excuses like I was testing you or I wanted to see your “false” reaction to my “false” action. That in and of itself is a power trip or insecurity about being authentic or just plain mean.

Manipulation can take hold of us personally, as if an untrained monkey has the reins of your life. Once awoken we still may be hard-pressed to see the underlying issue of why we feel the need to change ourselves or others so we can feel safe in the world. We sometimes think that getting what we want has to be at the expense of another’s personal free will.

Many of us manipulate. Another form of manipulation is guilt. Until we let go of the need for people to like us, we will probably have the instinct to change ourselves or push people to be a certain way so we feel safe or loved. We also manipulate ourselves when it comes to food, shopping, debt, and other addictions of the ego. How many times can you talk yourself into buying something you know you can’t afford, justifying it by saying that you deserve it or you’ve been good for like 40 seconds? How many times do we say we want to lose weight but talk ourselves out of getting up early?

All these experiences we have chosen for ourselves to be reflected back at us to learn about them and to change and grow or to live a life that is unsatisfactory or unhealthy. We have a choice. Thank goodness!

Spirit feels when we manipulate, it gets the needs of our ego for the approval or comfort we seek. Spirit asks us repeatedly not to see that desire as truth. The truth is you already have everything you need. Pushing yourself, your need for attention or love or trying to get someone to do something that they don’t really want to do, are forms of manipulation. Once you let go of the need for control or approval, you already have all the peace, love, truth, as well as the ability to act consciously in the situation. Ah, but letting go is the challenge we all face . . .

I send out a challenge for this week to see how ya’ll have tried to tame the beast of manipulation even in a small way. Examples: Telling people in your life you like something when it’s unpopular. By putting down the martyr cross you can let people in and know that you don’t have to be anything other than you.

Love and Hugs,

Jen

Death is inspiring but will be pitiful if I don’t do all, be all and love all as if everyday was my last breathing moment. Randy Pausch whom I adore and is living and dying of Pancreatic Cancer. Really opitimizes the bittersweetness of life. Unfair or not, purpose from God or cruel joke this man lives and breathes like he means it. This professor of life even before his diagnosis, I believe lived with the grace of life’s truth of living to the fullest. Having great parents and people who molded him into someone that never stopped believing in his life or dreams. For one second to think we have the luxury for self pity or self absorption we are sorely missing the point on why we are here on Earth at all. I feel so much for his wife and children as they even with the beauty of his life will feel that tang of pain that comes with such a loss. I pray that they don’t have to endure the pain but alas even with his survival there there will come a time when they and all of us will be touched by the sharpness of the moment when a loved one passes on. If we are lucky we will have inspired such anguish as a testament and reward of having given all of our love out by the time we leave.

Love always,
Jen