Spiritual Endeavor

Invisiblity Cloak by robpatrick

Only one person has ever told me he loved me, and then a week or so later he broke up with me. Does that count? LOL It was long ago and it could be troubling if I didn’t think that I was the cat’s pajamas. I don’t always think of myself so highly but I am working on it. I have loved or been infatuated a few times but cupid didn’t strike us at the same time, usually. It’s funny, a friend of mine asked while we were talking in July if a particular person that I was speaking of noticed me. I said yes! Maybe for ego’s sake, or in that moment I thought I was noticed. But really, was I? I mean I guess in the physical sense, he would flirt, swap porn with me, and hug me but not really notice me, not on a core level. Or else dang, he would have seen just how awesome I am! LOL I think most if not all of us crave and long for someone to know the real us even if we go out in the world with disguises. It’s comforting to know someone wants to know you, all of you.
I know most of the time in the past, in jest with friends or hopeful romantic contenders, I would pull out all the stops for people to notice me. Hey, I even have a blog for Pete’s sake! Anybody notice? Thanks to the select few who read me. I get occasional new people, but beyond the Google and Yahoo Bots, the attempts at getting people to notice are not working. I need to market better.
Sometimes in my real life I feel missing even though I am in a room with people that I know love and care for me. My invisibility cloak turns on even when I don’t want it to. Depends on the moment-I have less of those experiences when people aren’t in competition for the group’s attention. I love group gatherings; it feels great to have tradition, family, and a sense of belonging. I love one-on-one conversations that get to the meat of other people. It’s hard to find the core of someone when distractions abound. I know for a fact my true friendships are kept sacred when we share one-on-one time.
This epiphany, I guess, is the forever seeking what I felt was missing. Wondering why I couldn’t give this to myself. Was it in the mechanism? I have to say that reconnecting to my poetry, my journals, and a feeling that maybe a few of you on- and off-line are listening has filled me immensely. Maybe that is why I wanted to be an actress for so many years, so people would notice. Maybe that is why I wanted to be a singer/songwriter. I want people to know ME even though most will only know the surface.
I could list the possible causes of my affliction, maybe due to lack of attention from Mom or a father figure. Maybe because there hasn’t been romantic love in my life as of yet that shows me who I am in their eyes. Maybe it’s that even though I am outgoing, I am private with who I REALLY am. I have to be able to be patient and show myself with trust that someone wants to know me. Maybe, just maybe, it’s time to let go of the whys and continue to listen to myself more and express myself in artistic or other noble ways. Not seeking, not craving, just being.
I am friendly. I care about others. I am not more deformed than most. LOL I don’t think I have to be more obnoxious to be noticed! The performer in me disagrees loudly. I have tried that in the past; it doesn’t work and really, if anything, it annoys people. Not my intention except when I am actually looking to be silly or funny. I have to remember to be me. Sometimes I am quiet, reflective, funny, emotional, silly, loud, affectionate, and outrageous among other things. I guess this post is about loving myself enough not to push who I am onto others but also to build people into my life who want to know who I am, even when I have trouble talking about myself. Having a strong faith that when the time is right, as romance is concerned, the special someone for me will notice me and those words that I heard long ago will be made real. Oh Yeah!
Love and Hugs,
Jen